Saturday, February 14, 2009

The REAL Meaning of Valentine's Day

Conspiracy theories? A dime a dozen. This Valentine's Day, you will get nothing but the truth. As it turns out, Valentine's Day was created to pacify another pagan holiday called "All Kill Day" celebrated by the Visigoths, Norse peoples, and the Druids. The day was celebrated by hiding from the violent God of destruction and/or killing things in his honor. His name later was changed to Cupid, or St. Valentine. His real name is Wrothtag. Wrothtag reigned over all the world for this one day, February the 14th, shooting flaming balls of fire from his slingshot and painting the streets of villages red with the blood of his victims (which non-discriminatorily included anyone, and any animal he felt like). The Greeks and Judeo-Christian governments of Europe later pacified Wrothtag into Cupid, or Saint Valentine and made him into a sappy love encouraging symbol to make people feel good. 

However, it's very important to remember the past. Wrothtag, in his infinite merciless anger and blood lust has sworn revenge on all living and, although anthropologists debate the date of his return, it could be any Valentine's Day. Maybe even today. My best advice is to run and hide. He cannot see underneath beds, large comforters, or when you are coated in honey or wax. Good luck and Godspeed.

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