Smells Like John B

What, this blog still exists?

I know, I know. I've been derelict in my blog writing. Well, I was on vacation and no one else wanted to do it. But for the sake of time, let's skip the excuses and the jolt back to life by the Satire Report by the proverbial defibrillator.

I watched this hybrid music video combining the Beach Boy's "Sloop John B" with Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Worked pretty well. So you get "Smells like Sloop John B", or, I would call it "Smells like John B." Just has more of a zing to it and possibly offends more people:

Living the Beach Life.

So I was at the beach all day yesterday so I didn't write anything. You can call it a lame excuse, but I'd call it a much needed diversion. I surfed a bit, became a sand person, had a delicious chocolate shake and sandwich, and used up an entire tank of gas in between my house and Assateague Island State Park. So all in all it was pretty friggin sweet. And yes, that is technical jargon.

To make it up to you, my readers I am posting a clip and a picture. Here you go:

This kid is real. Not a muppet, puppet, or a zombie.

It was me.

Being a Facebook Fan

On facebook you can be a fan of lots of things. You can be a fan of Coca-Cola, Larry Bird, the X-files, or George Washington. But you can also be a fan of things that, while ridiculous, are nonetheless important to some like cuddling, sleeping, not being on fire, and drinking beer. Currently I am a fan of these things (some of them more than others): 

Duxbury Beach

Fenway Park

Saquish Beach

Long Hot Shower

Flip Flops

The Beach

Rain

Camping

Coca-Cola

Hurley

Island Creek Oysters

Billabong(products)

Hugo Boss

Givenchy

J. Crew

MommyCast

Facebook

Ralph Lauren

Porsche

Not being on fire

Cuddling

Sleeping

Jarvie Digital Photography

Family Guy

Red Dwarf

Hugs

Bobby Jindal

Sam Houston

Benjamin Disraeli

Joseph Lieberman 

Ronald Reagan

Adam Smith

Benjamin Franklin

Margaret Thatcher

Thomas Jefferson

George Washington

Michael Steele

Fred Thompson

Abraham Lincoln

Mitt Romney

Ron Paul

Nelson Mandela

Sarah Palin

John McCain

Seinfeld

The Colbert Report

Flight of the Conchords

Across the Universe

Patriots

Jews

Boston Red Sox

Boston Celtics

Larry Bird

Christopher Walken

Thomas S. Monson

Jesus The Christ

Lebron James

Bill Nye: The Science Guy

C.S. Lewis

Aerosmith

Cowbell

Clint Eastwood

Andy Samberg

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt

John Wayne

Martin Heidegger

Socrates

Plato

Jack Bauer

Aristotle

Bay Buchanan 

Strongbad

Elizabeth Hurley

Bruce Campbell

Sir David Attenborough

Susan Boyle

Snoop Dog

Wynton Marsalis

Marvin Gaye

Goo Goo Dolls

Bob Marley

Slash

Benton Paul

Michael Buble (with an accent on the e)

Stick Figure

Maroon 5

The Cure

Shawn Barrowes

Jamie Cullum

Norah Jones

Ben Folds

Lenny Kravitz

Bruce Springsteen

Ozzy Osbourne

James Blunt

Pink Floyd

Dave Matthews Band

Beach Boys

Eddie Van Halen

Paul Simon's Music

Hayden Panettiere

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Keane

Weezer

The Doors

Coheed and Cambria

Jamiroquai

The Prodigy

AC/DC

Incubus

MIKA

Jack Johnson

Queen

Arrested Development

John Mayer

Coldplay

Twitter

Sailing Networks

So there you go. I am a fan of a lot of stuff. It seems that I should be a fan of more stuff. Like cliff-jumping, Base jumping, jumping in general, eating ritz crackers, playing catch at 8,000 feet, deli sandwiches, etc.

Humor My Rant

I am really angry. I don't know who to be angry with. I guess I am just mad and all general directions. If you are still reading, here is the story. . . .

The day that Jeff lost his job, we got a letter from the high school band letting us know about the spring trip. The temporary itinerary included things like Disney World, Wet and Wild theme park and The Blue Man Group. Four fun filled days in the sun of Florida for my 16 year old and his band geek friends. Jeff and I were both in the band and we know how awesome the spring trips can be. I went to Florida, Myrtle Beach, Montreal, and Atlanta each year of my high school experience. I LOVED the spring trips. So of course I wanted my son to have the same rights of passage that I enjoyed in my youth. However, the cost of the trip was about $500 for the parents to pony up. I told Sam that we would commit to the trip but that he would have to work to defray some of the cost. The boy has done NOTHING. AND I found out this week that because he didn't participate in the citrus fundraiser, there was a buy out cost of an additional $160.00. So on top of the $400 that I have already paid, I got a notice that the trip has increased in cost and I owe an additional $465 by the beginning of next month.

Who should I be mad at? Well, I am mad at myself for not putting the screws to my son. I did make him apply for 2 jobs which he never followed up on. I am mad at my son for having seemingly no ambition. I am mad at the band for making such an expensive band trip and then forcing families to participate in the fundraisers or have a $160 buy out fee. Now, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll be mad for a bit. If you have any suggestions on how best to use this opportunity to teach my son a lesson about responsibility, let me know.

The call of the ocean

I was listening to Hawaiian music in the shower this morning. The sound of the ukulele and the amazing vocal range of an almost 800 pound man named Israel Kamakawiwo'ole filled me with a longing for the ocean. The tropics. The beach. The surf. 

Part of this longing has to come from the fact that it is getting colder in Utah. That, and as it gets colder, the trees shed their leaves and I can see more of the barren desert that surrounds me. I get this feeling of distance from the sea. I almost believe it is gone. There is only a vast sea of brown earth. Oh sure, there are multiple shades of brown, but it's still brown.

I hate to see my surfboards idly leaning against the wall with nothing to do but hope. They were meant to ride the waves. I was meant to ride the waves. 

The ocean has always inspired men. It beckons like an unconquerable expanse. It is truly the last frontier, regardless of all of man's peregrinations and circumnavigations. We know very little about it. It's mystique and seemingly endless grip on the horizon fills the soul with wonder and contemplation. You can allow your mind to slip into an infinite blue that has no master. It liberates me. It is somehow home.

Well, I guess there's only one way to solve this problem. Ditch Utah. Go to the coast. Marry a mermaid. Live underwater with clownfish and sea turtles. And surf.

Man with Metal Detector Finds Atlantis

You've seen those commercials for them on TV. 

An old man plods along a pristine beach at sunset with headphones on and a metal detector on the ground. He waves it over a choice piece of sand, and voila! The camera pans to a close-up of his hand holding a gold deblume. Then it is followed by a bunch of interviews of lucky metal detector owners who against all odds actually found something. And all you have to pay is 6 easy installments of $19.95! Could life get any better?

Well, just this morning, Chester Dodgyfield from Virginia Beach made a great discovery with his trusty metal detector (he calls her Susan). He found the lost city of Atlantis. 

"Me and Suzy just went for a stroll on the beach, and all of the sudden she just wouldn't shut up. She was all beep this and beep that. So, I bent down, testing my arthritic back and started scraping away sand. After only about two handfuls I saw this thing that looked like a metal pumpkin. Well, I had to call Cheryl."

Cheryl is Mr. Dodgyfield's pet dog.

"So I call and I said to her, 'WE FOUND IT!' She said, "Found what?" And I repeated, 'WE FOUND IT!' This went on for quite some time, and people starting staring at me as I was barking into the phone...So anyway, I went to my neighbors house to borrow his backhoe."

After the first few hours, the beach was full of spectators. Local residents came out from coffee shops. Even some of the re-enactment actors from Colonial Williamsburg came by in carriages. It turned out that Mr. Dodgyfield's pumpkin was a portico on the top of what archaeologists later presumed to be a Temple. 

"We got a call that some kook and his dog had found an artifact on the beach. I assumed it was a revolutionary era piece. Turns out we were wrong. We've never found the lost colony of Roanoke, but who could've guessed that we'd find Atlantis so close. If I weren't so excited right now, I might have more time to value the irony," said Harvey Moons, head researcher at the Duke University School of Archaeology.

Mr. Dodgyfield has been thwarted by local government officials from claiming his new prize. He submitted his claim under the notorious "Finders Keepers Rule" which up until now was unchallenged. Asked what he would do with Atlantis if the courts ruled in his favor he said, "I'd probably turn it into an amusement park. I think I'd be pretty competitive with Busch Gardens and that other resort in the Bahamas called Atlantis, because I got the real thing." 

He sure does.

We lose a dear friend: The Jaws' Shark

Tragedy has struck the people of Martha's Vineyard this afternoon as their beloved Great White shark, of the Jaws movie series fame, met his unfortunate demise. It was hardest for those who knew him best.

Richard Dreyfuss and Roy Schneider, who played alongside one another and worked with the shark in the blockbuster movies called the Mayor of the island with their condolences. 

The beautiful animal was found floating on his side just a mile from Aquinnah public beach. After an autopsy and inquiry was done it was discovered that he had choked on a baby seal. 

"Those baby seals seem to invade the water this time of year. They're a real health risk if you ask me. I'm hoping the town enacts a law to legalize more [seal] clubbing," said Joe Sharpipo of Fuller Street. 

It seems the seals are attracted to the island because of its plentiful fisheries and nice beaches. Some neighbors have complained that the seals have woken them up with their barking early in the morning. Others have claimed that their cars have been vandalized with seaweed.

"They're more than a nuisance. They've become a plague. And now this. This is the last straw. They killed our shark. Those seals have no shame," says Margaret Hosenbothom.

As Martha's Vineyard mourns, the firestorm the seals have caused has led to high tensions among the town's folk. Just this morning, a man who advertises for a water park in nearby Buzzard's Bay wearing a seal costume, was repeatedly assaulted by billy clubs and shillelaghs. The perpetrators have not been apprehended, but were reportedly screaming unintelligible gaelic swears and wore seal scalp necklaces. 

Here's a tribute.

The Brazo-Austra-American Connection

There are three countries that I put in the same category. We're like blood brothers. 

Brazil, Australia, and the United States (Pictures in order - BR, AU, US).

You can agree or disagree, but the people in these places share a lot of similarities, as do their histories. All three were colonized by European powers. All three were exploited by those same powers. All of those countries were made what they are today by waves of immigration from all over the world. All of them also have vast untamed stretches of country. From the Amazon in northern Brazil, to the Yukon in Alaska, to the Northern Territory in Australia. Another cool fact is that all of the countries have great surfing, surfers, and beach communities. All three have vast mineral resources, mining operations, and stable economies. They all have beautiful people. And, another similarity is that all three countries share my love.

Welcome to the Beach house!

Welcome to the beach house. 

We (my brother and I), have renamed our house to remind us of our homeland. The beach house. We have tropical plants, shells, shell mobiles, framed postcards of tropical beaches, surfboards, sweet posters of surfing, sailing, and tropical oases, a solar-powered fake stained glass fish lawn ornament in the window, a fish tank, and we are just now considering filling the fireplace with sand. Seeing as a sand-filled fireplace might be messy, we'll probably just make a custom sandbox to fit in front of the fireplace, and put hermit crabs in it. Contractually we aren't allowed to have pets, but I hardly think it fair to call hermit crabs or fish pets (depending on the fish or hermit crab I suppose). Hermit crabs are ornamental pets. They hardly move, and when they do it's usually a life changing event for all involved. 

Fish on the other hand are also mostly decorative, and at least to me are only exciting when they are aggressive or ill-tempered.

Now perhaps you ask why we decided on making it a 'beach house'. Well, we are in possibly one of the most land-locked states possible in the union. Surrounded by mountains, desert, stupid people, and occasional livestock and wild bears, 

Utah has fenced us in. But, our souls are escaping through our homestead. The ocean lives in the walls, in the bathroom, and now, even in the fireplace (kinda freaky for newcomers who need to visit the lou).