The REAL Meaning of Valentine's Day

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Conspiracy theories? A dime a dozen. This Valentine's Day, you will get nothing but the truth. As it turns out, Valentine's Day was created to pacify another pagan holiday called "All Kill Day" celebrated by the Visigoths, Norse peoples, and the Druids. The day was celebrated by hiding from the violent God of destruction and/or killing things in his honor. His name later was changed to Cupid, or St. Valentine. His real name is Wrothtag. Wrothtag reigned over all the world for this one day, February the 14th, shooting flaming balls of fire from his slingshot and painting the streets of villages red with the blood of his victims (which non-discriminatorily included anyone, and any animal he felt like). The Greeks and Judeo-Christian governments of Europe later pacified Wrothtag into Cupid, or Saint Valentine and made him into a sappy love encouraging symbol to make people feel good. 

However, it's very important to remember the past. Wrothtag, in his infinite merciless anger and blood lust has sworn revenge on all living and, although anthropologists debate the date of his return, it could be any Valentine's Day. Maybe even today. My best advice is to run and hide. He cannot see underneath beds, large comforters, or when you are coated in honey or wax. Good luck and Godspeed.

The Humanity of a Baboon

Baboons.

We rarely think of them, and when we do it is in a trifle and demeaning way. If our friend or sibling does something untoward or infantile, we might call him or her a baboon. Well, perhaps no longer.

A new study from San Diego State University claims that baboons have more humanity than we give them credit for. In fact, they might even be more human than we are ourselves. Head researcher for SDSU Dr. Julie Hammond said:

"I know as humans we generally find staring rude, but baboons have taken it to another level. If you stare at a baboon it is seen as a threat. He'll kill you. Perhaps that sounds draconian, but baboons seem to be more socially conscious and polite because of it."

The main baboon in the study goes by the name of Rupert. And, just to mess with him, this reporter stared at him from behind. After about 15 seconds Rupert lashed out and began banging ruthlessly on the cage.

"Rupert is a special baboon. He has a sixth sense when it comes to people staring at him. He can tell from a mile away. He can even tell if some inanimate object is staring at him. Why, just last week he put the smack down on his stuffed teddy bear," said Dr. Hammond.

When I asked Julie why Rupert is alone in a cage by himself she said:

"Rupert is a little beyond the curve for baboons when it comes to reinforcing social norms. He's so human-like in that respect."

When I pushed her further she said:

"He got a funny look from his grandmother. We called her Miss Loulou. He ate her alive and then urinated on her dead body."

That being said, I thanked Dr. Hammond and decided not to stare at Rupert again. But, to show that there was no hard feelings, I left him a banana. Rupert shrieked at me.

"Oh, he's allergic to bananas. And he got into a fight with one last week," said Dr. Hammond.

Things Worth Dying For...

There are many things in live worth dying for. However, one thing that I wouldn't want to die for is murder. Not to say that states don't have their rights to electrically roast up or juice fry their worst criminal offenders... I'm totally for that. Kill the killers. What I'm saying is I don't think murder is a good idea. Really. It may or may not be hard to believe that, but it's true.

That being said I want to talk about homicide for a moment.

There are a lot of shows out there recently that are making bank off of telling stories about mayhem, murder, money and manslaughter. And while that's all well and good, (Or actually evil and demonic depending on your opinion), I had a friend who said something interesting to me a little while ago. He said, "I suppose I like watching these shows because they depict an aspect of the human ego that all of us possess, we all have the power to become as these killers, and it is intriguing." (Not a real quote) At risk of sounding insensitive to my friend who should seek professional help, that is wrong! We don't all watch those shows because we like to toy with the idea of the power gained from taking life!

I think we watch gore and insane murder mysteries for one simple reason. It is fantastic. (Meaning exotic and imaginative) It is a world we do not live in, like a galaxy far far away. I think the reason I like watching CSI, and not CSI Miami cause is sucks, is because I like watching them catch these beings who are anything but human. Murderers are not like you and me, they have become alien to a society that exists in harmony when death is not on the menu.

So, there's a show out there called Dexter. About a serial killer who kills serial killers. People love it. They root for a murderer. Is this bad? No, go on ahead! Watching that is no different than watching a discovery channel special about a tribe off the coast of the edge of the world who drinks cow blood for breakfast. It's not my culture, I'm not a serial killer. I'm not even a regular killer. But, by golly they are a fun bunch of people to make up stories about, huh? Like vampires or werewolves, except not as cool, and murderers actually exist in the world. Ok, so really, don't call me a creep for enjoying stories of death. If you do, I'll kill you.

No no, I'm just kidding.