Now Hiring!

Advertisement consultant

-No previous market experience necessary


-Must be able to find creative ways to misspell a generic product name for trendiness/trademark purposes, such as replacing "c" with "k," "s" with "z," and "ph" with "f."



-Must look for opportunities to rhyme, use alliteration, create sappy puns (is there another kind?), and be competent in the reworking of clichés to include product promotion.


-Must be able to figure out a clever, memorable 6-10 letter word or phrase for an 800 number.


-Must be able to translate... or know someone who can... yeah.


-And above all, must be honest.

Good Cereal Advertisements

It is one question that has plagued the minds of all Americans for years: "What ever happened to good cereal advertisements?" Back in the day we had Tony the Tiger, the Smacks Frog, Count Chocula, Lucky the Leprechaun, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, the Trix rabbit, Sonny, The Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys, Captain Crunch, Toucan Sam, and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. But where are they now? Where have all the good times gone?

Well, if you remember from only a short while ago, that cute little chimpanzee who starred in the Cocoa Puffs commercials went bonkers in Connecticut and mauled a lady (my condolences to the dead ape and his victim).

But what about Tony? Well, it's true that he shows up from time to time with Olympic celebrities, but it's been widely reported that he is an overweight alcoholic. Apparently the stress of always saying "They're Grrrreat" as his life was falling apart around him was too much.

Count Chocula on the other hand, met a much more immediately fatal fate. As it turns out, he got into a fight with Lucky the Leprechaun over whose cereal had more vitamins and was staked in the heart by the marshmallow that didn't make it into the Lucky Charms box: the shillelagh.

The Smacks Frog also met a similarly abrupt end. While on vacation in the French Riviera, he was confused with someone's frog leg dinner. After he was made an amputee he went to Paris and committed suicide by weaving in and out of traffic on the Champs-Elysees.

The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee is not around as much anymore because of the recent and mysterious bee plague that is killing off much of his family. General Mills has given him the year off.

Captain Crunch became Mayor of San Francisco and spends most of his time in the Castro District.

The Trix rabbit, enraged by always being denied the cereal he so adamantly promoted went berserk, throwing carrots and eating children in a strip mall near Boca Raton, Florida. Prior to being caught by authorities, he posed as the Easter bunny and was trampled by little children.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop started a Boy Band that flopped, and now they are pursuing solo careers. Snap might even make it into next season's American Idol.

The Golden Crisp Bear is still around, but he is even more mellow now than he was in his commercials. He spends most of his time in a refurbished VW bus toking it up with his edgy buddy Sonny, from the Cocoa Puffs' commercials.

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers have all recently died of heart related problems. Too many cinnamon rolls and not enough exercise appear to be the main cause. That and the skinnier one had a heroine problem.

Toucan Sam was released into a wild game reserve in Brazil earlier this year, and was subsequently killed by a very accurate blow dart hunter.

So there you have it. Is there a chance that cereal advertisements will make a comeback? Maybe. But you can be sure that we will see plenty more generic American breakfast table scenes with everyone smiling and laughing for no apparent reason in the meantime.

Classified: Electric Chairs to Toasters

And now for something completely different. 

If you thought that last post was heavy, you're right. I laid it on thick. So, I'm going to switch gears to something lighter. You guessed it, I'm going to talk about electric chairs. My Dad sent me an email about an ad he saw in a local paper. Here's what he wrote:

"I saw the following classified as in the "Valley Voice" newspaper, (a local paper published in the area of California where I grew up). I was a bit startled at first and then amused.

Electric Chair, Liberty

312 LTD. Only used once, 

in great condition $800

559-XXX-XXXX

I "X"ed out the person's telephone number, but the rest is identical with the original advertisement. The model number mentioned turns out to be for an electric wheelchair, but that is not the image of an electric chair that first came to mind."

While this alone is a pretty hilarious misunderstanding, classified ads have a tendency to foster those better than most. Here are some other examples:

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL. 

EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

DINNER SPECIAL -- 

TURKEY $2.35;

CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25;

CHILDREN $2.00

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.

THEY ARE SIMPLY THE TOPS.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?

LET ME DO IT.

VACATION SPECIAL: 

HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.

GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES

THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

Toaster: A GIFT THAT EVERY

MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

APPRECIATES. AUTOMATICALLY BURNS

TOAST.

WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW

THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR

YOUR CHILD. FENCED YARD, MEALS and

SMACKS INCLUDED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER-SPANIEL-

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

ILLITERATE? 

WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE,
-NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS
(6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE
..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
“IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS -
POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT
IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS
SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

Shameless Promotion

There comes a time when we must question our motives. We all do lots of different things, some consciously, others almost by reflex. Well, some of you might wonder at times why I write so religiously on this blog. I am devout. Perhaps at times even more devout than some Hasidic Jews are to the Torah or Talmud. Well, there are many reasons why I blog, but I guess it would be best to let the cat out of the bag. I blog so I can promote my blog. 

I mean, if I didn't ever write anything, how in the world would you expect me to promote it? It reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy, where Tommy (played by Chris Farley) says, "Hey, I can take a sh*t in a box and stamp it guaranteed, but what are you buying? A guaranteed piece of sh*t, that's what you are buying." I have to have something to sell before I start selling. If I just kept throwing up the URL to my blog on twitter and facebook all the time while linking it to a page with a hamster running around on a wheel, people would start to get restless. They might even work up the nerve to buy their own wheels and run around in them to get out all their angst. So, instead of allowing that to happen, I write stuff. Is it good? Well, I'd say there's a chance. 

Like in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what the chance would be of a guy like him getting with a girl like her. She responds, "One in a million," to which he responds, "So you're saying there's a chance?" 

So I write stuff. However, even more interesting than writing stuff, is promoting it. And, if I'm going to promote it, I might as well do it shamelessly. With that I mean ubiquitously and like a used car salesman. I don't just write on twitter or my facebook status, "Check out my blog, I wrote stuff." I write something more along the lines of: "Giant mutant rabbit attacks President Obama while he sells radioactive golf clubs on eBay," which of course actually happened.

But, beyond just promotion of my blog, I have, on more than one occasion told and even encouraged people to click on the advertisements on this blog. You might think my rationale for doing that is because I make more money. That's simply not true. I do it because every ad you click creates more jobs. You are supporting the economy, and perhaps even saving the world. One click at a time people. You can make a difference. And on that note, click on the ads, visit their sites, buy their stuff, and read my blog like it's water after a marathon. Read it like it's oxygen after holding your breath for 30 seconds. Read it like it's the cure for whatever ails you, because, it is.

Race is not THE issue.

On July 11th, 2008 I wrote a post about how race is not an issue for me, and I inferred that it probably isn't an issue for most people. 

However, Obama surrogates and sympathizers have been constantly playing the race card without provocation. CNN correspondent Jack Cafferty is trying to make race out to be the biggest issue explaining closeness in the polls between Obama and McCain, negating the other more obvious reasons like: 1. the republican convention, 2. Sarah Palin, 3. McCain's appeal to moderates, 4. his 'maverick' image (and actual distance from Bush and his own party), as well as 5. his appeal to blue collar workers. The reason Obama has not surged ahead has nothing to do with his race, and A LOT to do with his skimpy record and lack of legislative accomplishments. People are just unsure if he has the experience to do the job. So let me show you what Mr. Cafferty said:

"Race is arguably the biggest issue in this election, and it's one that nobody's talking about. The differences between Barack Obama and John McCain couldn't be more well-defined. Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is part of the Washington and a part of the Bush legacy. Yet the polls remain close. Doesn't make sense...unless it's race."

First off, Cafferty makes no effort to show impartiality saying, "Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy." It may be true that Obama wants to change Washington, but so far, in his 3 years in the senate he has had zero impact. No new transformative legislation to put his name to. Not even a co-authored bill. Furthermore, Obama has only worked with republicans 17% of the time in the senate, whereas McCain has worked with democrats 55% of the time. So while Obama claims bipartisanship in theory, he has never done it in practice. McCain is a testament to bipartisanship, and that is a big part of his appeal, not because he's white. And then Cafferty says McCain is "part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy." First off, he has been Washington for 26 years, but that is more of a boon for him than something to discredit him with, given his record that is far from the usual partisan gridlock type politics. Secondly, McCain has almost always been at odds with Bush in the places that it matters most. McCain has always been a supporter of global warming legislation, and has fought against corporate interests and large pharmaceuticals (I don't agree with his approach, but I will defend the fact that he is very UNLIKE Bush in those, and other areas like government spending - Obama is actually more like Bush in that regard, wanting to spend more)

So, with all of that, somehow race is supposedly rearing its ugly head. The fact is, it is not, but the democrats so desperately want it to be, they make comments like Cafferty's and Time Magazine's Michael Grunwald who says race is the elephant in the room, even suggesting Barack Obama needs to tread lightly as he fights back against the McCain-Palin attacks. Of course he makes little mention of Obama's attacks, which have not been any better, and in fact, are terribly misleading like his recent Spanish language ad attempting to link McCain with his long time nemesis Rush Limbaugh (and misquoting Limbaugh in the process). Not only that, but Obama once again is using the race card to scare voters, just as when he claimed earlier in his campaign as he had secured the nomination, McCain would use the race card against him. So far Obama has used the race card twice (and many more times if you count all the media correspondents who back him) and McCain hasn't used it once. So is Obama really being hurt by his race, or is he using it as a fear tactic to gain voters worried about being labeled as bigots and racists?

Oh, and another one who wants to make this election a race war is Gov. Sebelius of Kansas (D). Read here for her comments.

My opinion? Let's clean this up folks. Get back to the issues, like Obama said (oh, and Senator Obama, you might want try it yourself).

Puppy and Kitten Prank

Not too long ago, my friend Joey and I decided to do a prank. We were walking along the road side as is our custom at times, and we saw a lot of advertisements on telephone poles. Some of them read "High paying summer sales!," while others said, "5 Free pizzas!" And, on the whole I knew most of those ads were entirely ineffectual. However, that did little to stop us from doing the prank.

Everyone loves puppies. They're cute, fluffy at times, and all in all, adorable. Women faun over them, kids chase them, and even guys get noticeably gentler with puppies. And, on that same note, most people feel similarly about kittens. So, Joey and I decided to make puppy and kitten ads, looking up the most adorable pictures possible online. And, what made it good was that we put my brother's phone number on the kitten ad, and we put my friend Nick's name on the puppy ad. The ads said something like, "Adopt a puppy," or "Kittens for sale." So we made the ads, and printed up a bunch of copies, putting them on bulletin boards at local businesses, telephone poles, and all over BYU campus. Then, we waited.

After a couple days of no response from either Nick or my brother, we tried to pry in a round about way. I don't remember how we asked them, but I'm sure it was something like this: "Hey, have you been getting any strange phone calls lately?" And the response was something like this: "I don't think so...wait, actually, just yesterday I had a voicemail message about some kittens or something." I tried to contain myself. "Oh," I said. "That's weird." So it turns out they only got a couple calls, and my brother hardly answers his phone so they were mostly voicemail messages. Joey and I were hoping for a better turnout, but it was still pretty funny. Definitely funny enough to do again. I recommend it.

For more funny puppy stories go to this Strongbad email.

*If the picture is not in the public domain I apologize, but it's back-linked to the site of origin and you are getting free publicity.

Technorati is suspect

Perhaps you have heard of this site called technorati. It supposedly collects and aggregates blogs and syndicated online media. And, after it collects, it supposedly keeps track of which blogs put links of other blogs on their blogs. Based on what blog has you on its blog roll, how many times you have been linked back to, or cited by a fellow blogger, they give you an authority rating.

Well, I'm going to come out with it. Technorati is suspect. I have several friends who I have put on my blog roll, and who have put me on theirs, yet technorati has yet to register that it happened. Oh, and when someone does that, technorati calls it a blog reaction. Supposedly the more times someone links your blog or mentions it the more powerful it is. So I've gotten a quite a few good reactions, but I know they are only a fraction of the reality. Perhaps we're asking too much of technorati. There are after all, bazillions (literally, of blogs and syndicated online media to keep track of), but stop spouting lies about my authority level. I've seen a bunch of people with the exact same authority and rating. Guess what technorati, 75 people cannot have the same blog authority ranking of 1,166,069th. That's not how rankings work.


And, another thing about technorati, it does not look very web 2.0 and crashes all the time. Weak sauce technorati. Weak sauce. Guess what?! My blog doesn't crash. That's right. Blogger and google have me covered. Eff you technoratpack.

Oh, but just to appease the morons over there, look at the top of this blog and click the link to add it as one of your technorati favorites. Oh, and remember, if you click on my ads, those weird people who sell lingerie and gay marriage packages make money (and so do I) so click on a few! (don't worry, it's not against my adsense contract to encourage you to click on the ads; it's an endorsement that increases revenue for everyone).