Farewell to a great backup writer: Jimbo

Well, I just lost my main backup writer (my bro who went by Jimbo) for this blog for 2 years. He left this morning, and won't have another post on this blog for a long time now. But, he's not dead, he's just going to Siberia. So, that being said, let us dig up some of his work:

The Most Stylish Letter of 2009

Don't Look Down

Bad Milk

Mmmm, mmm...scrumptilitious

Now Hiring

Remember, remember February 14th!

New Release!

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 3

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 2

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 1

Thanks Jimbo. You always did us proud here at the Satire Report. May you come back full of strength, spirit, vitality, complete fluency in Russian, and funnier jokes.

Dasvedanya.

P.S. - He always loved this clip:

Being a writer is a great way to get ladies

Today we begin with a quote. A quote that is more true than any other ever said. Even more true than Rene Descartes' "I think therefore I am". The quote is from Saul Bellow:

"All a writer has to do to get a woman is say he's a writer. It's an aphrodisiac."

Let me start by saying I have that quote on my facebook favorite quotes part of my bio. But that does not make it any less true. While many people consider themselves writers, there are only a few that are truly writers in the sense that Bellow means. A blog you might say, does not qualify someone as a writer. That might very well be true by itself in the same way that someone who writes a book, or pens a poem, is not necessarily a writer.

Why? Well, from my experience, most literate people can write, and do so to prove it from time to time. Some people are prolifically terrible at it, while others are secretly Shakespearian geniuses. I do not profess to be either, yet, I also don't profess to be a muddler who sits on the unenviable stool of mediocrity, unwilling to grovel with the commoners, but not tall enough to reach the stars. That being said, let's get to the meat of it. Why are writers (the real ones) so sexy?

Well, I tend to think it comes from their ability to express things in unique ways. They open up new worlds to us. They create fantasies, visions, and elucidate our aspirations and fears. They take us up and down through a whirlwind of words and thought showing us man's depravity and his capacity for excellence. But on the other hand, they're just innately better (I'm not going to prove that, just take it at face value).

Writers are subject to the same passions, vulnerabilities, lapses of judgment, and bouts of depression as anyone else. Perhaps even more so. And, perhaps because they are so often so close to the precipice women feel they can love them. Here today gone tomorrow. They live life through the pen and see things that others don't. But, you don't have to commit yourself to a writer. I suppose in a way you can't. A writer is only committed to his writing (a good one anyway). But doesn't that make writers a one trick pony? No. writing is not limited to itself. It envelopes everything else. It absorbs every follicle, dust mite, or great expanse that it wants. And, for any writer to articulate himself well, he needs to know it, see it, be it. His mind is a prism and the world is redefined through it. But just as the mind reinvents the world, both the world and the mind are catalysts depending on the moment.

But now for the real reason writers are so great. They are generally not the most amazing physical specimens, but yet, they offer a beauty that far surpasses the physical. And, if they are attractive people, their artful ability to paint the sky with words wraps them with a metaphorical Armani suit, complete with some fabulous cologne. 

I don't even need to make the suggestion that ladies should go after the writer. The ladies come to him. 

This blog has multiple writers, but they don't write much

Dear Readers, 

I'm sorry that I am writing this blog post in letter form. Let me start with that. I don't approve of what I'm doing. I also want all of you to know that I have multiple authors on this blog. Unfortunately they only seldom grace us with their clever musings. You may notice on the bottom of each post there is a name. Here is a list of the writers on this blog:

Enrique

John

dreamcatcher

Jimbo

and myself, Michael Powers

Enrique has written 1 post. Here it is. To give him credit, he did have another draft ready that he never finished about the Montauk Monster. That should be forthcoming in the next year or so.

John has not written a post yet, but he has been the inspiration for at least one post: this one.

dreamcatcher has written one post, and it was great. Here it is.

Jimbo's first post follows this one.

The rest of the posts have been written and inspired by my strange mind. However, if you haven't read all of them, some are obviously better than others. On the right side of this blog you can check out the archives. You'll probably find at least something to laugh about or something that will make you think, or something that will leave you ridiculously angry or inspired.

Sincerely, 

Michael Powers

PS - I already read the book that inspired Rambo (First Blood), and am now reading Deliverance for my last class at BYU. Jealous?

Thinking about retirement

I took a test yesterday that measures your calender age versus your "actual age." It calculates how fast you are aging based on your eating habits, exercise habits, hereditary diseases, etc. And, guess what? I'm 8 years younger than the calender says! And, if that's the case, I just got my license to drive a car. But, on another note, that means it'll take me eight more years than the rest of you to hit middle age. Here's a link to the test.

Even though I now know how young I still am, I still can't keep myself from thinking about retirement. And, quite frankly I don't really want to retire. All the men on both sides of my family have pretty much worked up until their dying day. It'd almost be nice to be able to mark it on a Calender so I know when work will officially be over (at least in mortality). But, I can think of certain work impoverished situations that I certainly would not mind.

I would love to live in a cozy cottage overlooking the central California coast. I would have a computer, some pens, paper, surfboards, a garden, and a great kitchen. I could wake up and catch some waves, veg out on the beach a little bit with my special someone, then come back home and write while looking out on the water. Then I could split time with my garden and pull up a bunch of summer squashes, cherry tomatoes, and cucumbers and head back to my awesome kitchen and whip something delicious up. That, to me, would be ideal. I would feel accomplishment in writing, and yet still be relaxed and flexible enough to enjoy my twilight years. However, what it would have to imply is that I am good at writing, and that could be easily debated. But, jumping back to this dream scenario, I don't think it would have to be the central California coast. It could be Cape Cod, or the South Shore area of Massachusetts. It could even be Nova Scotia. Who knows? I think you get the point.

Trying to be as pragmatic as possible, what is your retirement scenario? Talk amongst yourselves.