Random Stories of Non-Laziness

Some of you might think to yourselves, "Man is that guy who writes the Satire Report lazy. He always wants his co-writers to fill in for him, and then decides to take an extended hiatus when Michael Jackson dies." Okay, maybe none of you were thinking that. Maybe you think it a lot (I mean, like every time MJ dies). Wait a second. I'm definitely not lazy. Some people only update their blogs once a month, or once a week. I do it almost daily. Emphasis on ALMOST. Ok. Random story time.

So I spent most of today making a little extra cash moving furniture, boxes, and pianos. Those of you who follow me on twitter know that. I'm sorry I'm repeating myself. I have also decided I will never become a professional mover. That piano was only a small one, but I could have easily been crushed or paralyzed. Fortunately I did not have to take it upstairs (only up and down from the truck and up and down a few front steps). But, maybe if I had professional mover gear I would've been able to save some of my strength (or back/shoulders/legs). Who knows? Movers probably. Oh, and I have now become more familiar with my friend Benjamin, so that's a plus.

But moving stuff wasn't enough. No. I decided to drive along the proposed bike route my Dad was plotting for some Boy Scouts. He printed out some directions from google maps, except they were only maps with a highlighted route, and as it turns out, did not show enough detail. Unfortunately I was the co-pilot, and so we took quite a few detours. Fortunately, one such detour took us by some pygmy horses (not ponies, my mother corrected me), and another detour got us all some slim jims and an odd assortment of nuts. My favorite detour, however, involved McDonald's. They have angus burgers now. And, I've found that other than being larger, they taste the same. McDonald's fail. But, it's McDonald's, so I guess I shouldn't have expected Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

Ok, random stories over. Random pictures begin:

Well, you have to weigh them sometime.

Merman! Merman!

Every day man. Every day.

Without me it's only 'aweso'.

You can hear it just by looking at the picture.

Move over Dwight Howard (in some places this might be considered abuse - just like Obama swatting that fly).

English Lesson

You might have found out by now that the English language does itself no favors. Some (and by some I mean perhaps even a vast majority) words are exactly what their definition claims there are. Others are the exact opposite. Some, by being what they are, often do so to their own detriment. Here's our first prime example:

ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\
Function: adjective
Date: 1830
:existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread
Ubiquitous is hardly ubiquitous. You don't find the word running around on fashion designer logos or at your local McDonalds. Ubiquitous keeps to itself and is only rarely dropped in conversation to impress people. Well, I'm unimpressed ubiquitous. You're a waste of syllables (for you Global Warmers out there - ubiquitous leaves a huge syllabic footprint, not unlike the methane footprint left behind by goats).

Then we have another word to show people how smart you are, embarrassing them, and more often than not making you look like a total jerk. Here it is:

es·o·ter·ic
Pronunciation: \ˌe-sə-ˈter-ik, -ˈte-rik\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin esotericus, from Greek esōterikos, from esōterō, comparative of eisō, esō within, from eis into; akin to Greek en in — more at in
Date: circa 1660

1 a: designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone b: requiring or exhibiting knowledge that is restricted to a small group; broadly : difficult to understand
2 a: limited to a small circle b: private, confidential
3: of special, rare, or unusual interest
Esoteric is what it says it is. Very few of the common people (your average everyday English speaker, of which there are almost 600 million worldwide) know what it means. In fact, usually only college educated people, professors, or people who work for Kaplan will know about it. Good job esoteric. You're an elitist, aristocratic, snotty brat of a word. And, because you are, no one is going to use you to describe anything because you wouldn't help, you'd just make the word you were trying to explain more inexplicable.

Oh English. You are so silly. Stay silly.

Facebook: Innovative or Annoying?

(The dorkishly endearing and yet omnipotent being that is Mark Zuckerberg)

There is a fine line between being innovative and being annoying. Facebook seems to have crossed this line. Repeatedly. I am not whining about it, or trying to sound like so many other boringly rant-filled bloggers out there, but I wanted to bring a phenomenon to people's attentions and provide a forum to discuss this fine line. 

From time to time Facebook updates its homepage, tools, and advertising methods. Anyone who knows good business knows it's essential to stay on top of things and be adaptable. However, there is a phrase that goes "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" that is just as valuable. That means that people who have a great product should be careful with tinkering with it too much because they can end up screwing themselves over. A change comparable to Facebook's constant overhauls would be if McDonald's constantly tried to sell Thai food or remix the special sauce in the Big Mac every other month. It's just not needed, and, it really doesn't make for a better product.

Inevitably I assume Facebook expects that its clients will just adapt to the changes as they always have. But, that most likely isn't because they think the new look, feel, or tools are that great, but because they have no choice.

I really don't have any solution. That's a bit sad. You might think that I would suggest a boycott, or a nude protest, or barraging Facebook with petitions of dissatisfaction coupled with packages of flaming dog excrement. 

Well, while you are welcome to consider those options and do them yourselves, I for one am going to just deal with it. I am just going to bow to the Facebook "man" Mark Zuckerberg. He is after all a billionaire online social networking God. He owns a little bit of my soul and the souls of almost a thousand of my friends. We do his bidding. All hail Zuckerberg! That has such a nice ring to it.