Monday, March 9, 2009

Classified: Electric Chairs to Toasters

And now for something completely different. 

If you thought that last post was heavy, you're right. I laid it on thick. So, I'm going to switch gears to something lighter. You guessed it, I'm going to talk about electric chairs. My Dad sent me an email about an ad he saw in a local paper. Here's what he wrote:

"I saw the following classified as in the "Valley Voice" newspaper, (a local paper published in the area of California where I grew up). I was a bit startled at first and then amused.

Electric Chair, Liberty
312 LTD. Only used once, 
in great condition $800
559-XXX-XXXX

I "X"ed out the person's telephone number, but the rest is identical with the original advertisement. The model number mentioned turns out to be for an electric wheelchair, but that is not the image of an electric chair that first came to mind."

While this alone is a pretty hilarious misunderstanding, classified ads have a tendency to foster those better than most. Here are some other examples:

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL. 
EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

DINNER SPECIAL -- 
TURKEY $2.35;
CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25;
CHILDREN $2.00

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.
THEY ARE SIMPLY THE TOPS.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?
LET ME DO IT.

VACATION SPECIAL: 
HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.
GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES
THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

Toaster: A GIFT THAT EVERY
MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
APPRECIATES. AUTOMATICALLY BURNS
TOAST.

WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW
THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR
YOUR CHILD. FENCED YARD, MEALS and
SMACKS INCLUDED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER-SPANIEL-
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

ILLITERATE? 
WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE,
-NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS
(6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE
..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
“IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS -
POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT
IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS
SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

4 comments:

squirrelyearl said...

Ha, thanks for the laugh.

Lydia said...

Bouahahahaha I don't even know where to start!

katydid said...

i like the guy who wants to go back in time (again)

Anees Rehman said...


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Classifieds ads