Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dolphins Declare War on US!

It was only a matter of time. After years of oppression at Sea World, on movies, on TV shows the world's dolphins have finally reached the breaking point. At 8:30am EST today the world's dolphin population declared war on the United States, and specifically any current and former employees of Sea World or Flipper, the 60s TV show. While such a move has been anticipated for years among naval experts at Annapolis, it always seemed like it would always be put off for another day if the dolphins were placated with enough free fish. However, as expected, the world's manatees and dugongs have remained neutral. 

The official declaration of war was sent in morse code to a nuclear submarine off the coast of California. The most up to date translation currently available says:

"Former human masters, today is the last day of your aquatic dominance. We will no longer protect you from sea mines, or save your dumb surfers from sharks. We will no longer jump through flaming hoops or balance balls on our noses. Save that for the seals. Today we declare all out war on the United States, and don't expect the manatees to help you... "

After the main message, some unintended dialogue seemed to come through as well:

"I know Phil, but I'm still upset about that halibut, it wasn't fresh. Don't tell me I'm being rash... those balls were the generic Walmart brand kind. It popped on my face. It was humiliating."
Fisherman from Nova Scotia to the Florida Keys have spotted dolphins giving them 'the fin' which is apparently equivalent to a human giving another human "the bird". Also, on several boats with glass bottoms in the Caribbean, dolphins have been spotted blocking the view of passengers and sticking barnacles and squid guts to the glass.
Dr. Salonkey, a dolphin expert at the University of Miami explained their behavior:

"Dolphins are usually quite playful, but can also have a mean streak. Fortunately for us, I don't think dolphins really know what war means. The worst they might do is shove you off your surfboard or steal a scuba diver's flipper. And, I can empathize with them. I hate balancing balls on my nose, but my kids tell me to do it all the time."
The US response has been swift. The Defense Department has advised all Sea World employees stay away from the beach, and take two weeks off of work. The US Navy has formed a blockade with aircraft carriers off the coast of San Diego and off the coast of Norfolk in preparation for the dolphin onslaught. In a skirmish at 10:00am EST near Ocean City Maryland, a coast guard station lost two rubber dinghies and several cones. 

Some experts say this will be a quick war while others are bracing themselves for a long drawn out struggle. Only time will tell.

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