Good Cereal Advertisements

It is one question that has plagued the minds of all Americans for years: "What ever happened to good cereal advertisements?" Back in the day we had Tony the Tiger, the Smacks Frog, Count Chocula, Lucky the Leprechaun, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, the Trix rabbit, Sonny, The Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys, Captain Crunch, Toucan Sam, and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. But where are they now? Where have all the good times gone?

Well, if you remember from only a short while ago, that cute little chimpanzee who starred in the Cocoa Puffs commercials went bonkers in Connecticut and mauled a lady (my condolences to the dead ape and his victim).

But what about Tony? Well, it's true that he shows up from time to time with Olympic celebrities, but it's been widely reported that he is an overweight alcoholic. Apparently the stress of always saying "They're Grrrreat" as his life was falling apart around him was too much.

Count Chocula on the other hand, met a much more immediately fatal fate. As it turns out, he got into a fight with Lucky the Leprechaun over whose cereal had more vitamins and was staked in the heart by the marshmallow that didn't make it into the Lucky Charms box: the shillelagh.

The Smacks Frog also met a similarly abrupt end. While on vacation in the French Riviera, he was confused with someone's frog leg dinner. After he was made an amputee he went to Paris and committed suicide by weaving in and out of traffic on the Champs-Elysees.

The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee is not around as much anymore because of the recent and mysterious bee plague that is killing off much of his family. General Mills has given him the year off.

Captain Crunch became Mayor of San Francisco and spends most of his time in the Castro District.

The Trix rabbit, enraged by always being denied the cereal he so adamantly promoted went berserk, throwing carrots and eating children in a strip mall near Boca Raton, Florida. Prior to being caught by authorities, he posed as the Easter bunny and was trampled by little children.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop started a Boy Band that flopped, and now they are pursuing solo careers. Snap might even make it into next season's American Idol.

The Golden Crisp Bear is still around, but he is even more mellow now than he was in his commercials. He spends most of his time in a refurbished VW bus toking it up with his edgy buddy Sonny, from the Cocoa Puffs' commercials.

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers have all recently died of heart related problems. Too many cinnamon rolls and not enough exercise appear to be the main cause. That and the skinnier one had a heroine problem.

Toucan Sam was released into a wild game reserve in Brazil earlier this year, and was subsequently killed by a very accurate blow dart hunter.

So there you have it. Is there a chance that cereal advertisements will make a comeback? Maybe. But you can be sure that we will see plenty more generic American breakfast table scenes with everyone smiling and laughing for no apparent reason in the meantime.

The Noble Snow Chicken

Today I am dedicating this blog post to a truly noble beast that no one gives its due. It is often referred to as the "snow chicken." And, given that it is winter and there is still snow in front of my house I thought it only fair to give this animal a little honorable mention. Another name it has is the ptarmigan. The 'p' that starts its name is just for show, so it is pronounced "Tar-mig-an." See, the bird is getting tricky already.

The reason the ptarmigan is so tricky is because he has to be. He is the official game bird for Newfoundland and Labrador in Canada. So, he's always on the run, usually being chased by backwoodsy types with enormous fur coats. Fortunately, in other places he is more respected, and not made the Josey Wales type. In Nunavut Canada he is the official bird (that seems nicer than official game bird). In America he is called the partridge, and even plays an integral part in Christmas music as you can recall from the Twelve Days of Christmas.

But one good reason we can admire this noble snow chicken is because of his actions. The male ptarmigan's song is a loud croaking (not unlike the Budweiser Frogs) And, if that weren't enough, it turns out that they can be surprisingly tame and approachable. If you don't like the idea of a guard dog, perhaps you should get a snow chicken to croak at would be robbers. Furthermore, they are rough and tumble birds only living in harsh climates like the mountains of Scotland, the Pyrenees, the Alps, Bulgaria, the Urals, the Pamir Mountains, the Atlay Mountains and Japan. They are in essence the mountain men of the bird world.

I personally plan on owning a snow chicken. I will probably get him a spike collar and call him Bruno.