Unemployment - The Real Story

The word of the day today is unemployed. Some of you, especially during these tricky economic times we're in, might be very familiar with this word. Some of you probably think it has something to do with you. Others of you think it has nothing to do with you, but is all Bush's fault, the bankers fault, congress's fault, Obama's fault, etc., etc. Well none of that is true. The reason you, or any one else is unemployed right now is because of aliens.

No, I'm not talking about the illegal kind that come in from Latin America, Eastern Europe, or Africa. No, REAL aliens. Like the kind that come from the planet Schorgatron-56. They are talking over. So far they have completely infiltrated the tax law industry, the dentist industry, and the American auto industry. And, for over a century now they have been sucking out the brains of our legislative, executive, and judiciary branches of government in the US. 

Why do they do it? Well, doing human jobs is apparently a better time than abducting and probing drunk farmers. And they do it for the same reason you go to Cancun and get wasted. Or go to the beach and have a bonfire and make aborigine chants late at night. It's a cheap thrill. Yes, that's right. Aliens like to have a good time. And, that puts them in good company. In fact, some famous crazy party animals out there who you thought were human are/were actually aliens. Lindsay Lohan - alien. John Belushi - alien. Kevin Bacon - alien. Paris Hilton - three aliens. Nicole Richie - an embryo of an alien.

So what should we do? Nothing. Just let them finish up here and they'll leave. Your boss will be begging for you to come back in no time.

Toothpicks Saved My Mouth

Aha moments are great. For instance, have you ever been reading a ton of articles online, or been tweeting on your PDA phone, then switched for a older ancestor on paper and then all of the sudden realized, "What are these strange things called books...I like them," or "Shoot I never knew I could read this stuff in a printed newspaper!"?

Well a similar thing has happened to me recently. I brush and floss regularly. Some of you might be happy to hear that. Well, for as much as I brush and floss there always seems to be a little spot or two of tarter I cannot get a handle on. I had tried everything. From several different varieties of floss, toothpaste, and toothbrushes, to alien dentists and jackhammers. Well, none of those strategies worked. So as I was leaving a restaurant in Georgetown, I asked the waitress for some wet naps and toothpicks. They didn't have wet naps so she heated up a napkin for me (not unlike hot towels on airlines when you are flying first class, which I haven't yet). But it was the toothpicks that were the revelation. When I tried to get the tarter off... VOILA! Turns out a mint flavored splinter took care of business in no time. Well, now I'm going to make sure toothpicks are a staple with my other dental hygiene products.

And now, cool toothpick sculptures:

yeah.

Too much time on your hands. Get a life.

Awesome!

Toothpicks. Who knew? 

PS - Shut up if you knew. It was rhetorical.

Who can say no to a product packaged with green lips called hotlix?

The Tonsils, Appendix, and Wisdom Teeth Conspiracy

I am a proud owner of both a set of tonsils, and one appendix. Unfortunately "they" took my wisdom teeth. This in part explains why my IQ has dropped from when I was a child. However, I am sure to be an anomaly. Many people have no tonsils, no appendices, and no wisdom teeth. And, given that the appendix is an organ that used to help us fly, and tonsils are remnants of a second set of teeth like in the Alien movies, and wisdom teeth used to activate previously unknown parts of the human brain, "they" are winning. 

But who are "they"? Some might have us believe that "they" are a clan of ninjas. Others might have us believe that "they" are black market organ/body part cartels. And still others might like us to think that "they" are the government. I'm inclined to think that's what "they" want us to think. The truth is probably much darker. Perhaps they are a black market ninja cartel that traffics useless organs and body parts and is propped up by the government. Which government you ask? Does it matter? Well, possibly. And it's probably the Venezuelans, ie: Chavez.

You might be asking yourself, "Why do I care about wisdom teeth, appendices, and tonsils?" Or perhaps you think that your doctor just took them out to save your life, all the while making an easy grand off your teeth, appendix or tonsils, making you dumber, less likely to ever fly on your own, and preventing you from taking over planet earth as an alien. Well I hate to say it, but it matters, and this issue is more pressing than you know.

I will cite some examples. My room mate had his appendix removed the first day of this semester. Then a friend of his thought she had to have her appendix removed too. It was like a virus. When I had my wisdom teeth removed my freshman year of college before I went to Brazil, the dentist said only one could have possibly caused trouble for me, but he took three. Then all of my other friends got their wisdom teeth out about the same time, with similar stories. Of course the dentist's cover is that he just wanted more money, which is true, but the dentists are making even more money on top of the money they charge per tooth. And who pays that money to them? "They". 

And, when the dentist said one of my wisdom teeth could have caused trouble, what did he mean? Was it trouble for me? Or trouble for "they"? You see, if I had kept my wisdom teeth I could probably have found out the master plan of "they". But "they" got to me first. Just like they got to my room mate, and to anyone else who gets their appendix removed. Did "they" think that we would mobilize an army of flying genius aliens and monopolize all the Citgo stations? Maybe. Maybe. 

At any rate, we're onto you Chavez.

New Study: Eating ice is good for you

After a ten year study scientists and dentists alike from the Smile Happy Council have come to the conclusion that eating ice is not so bad. In fact, eating ice can be a good thing for your health. Some of the reasons cited were as follows:

* Eating ice reduces boredom 

* Eating ice also improves jaw strength

* Eating ice reduces stress

* (Most dentists agree) Even if the ice breaks your teeth, they can be fixed for a nominal fee 

* Eating ice can be a good way to start social interactions with people you do not know

* Eating ice can be a good way to get people's attention

* Eating ice is great for movie sound effects

* If you are agitated at a loved one, eating ice near their ear is a creative way to reprimand

The study had a sample size of 15,000 ice eaters and 15,000 non-ice eaters and was carried outfrom 1999 to 2009. Dr. Klenners, who led the study, had this to say:

"Ice eating has been in my family for generations. It's a family past time really. I started the study to see if it had benefits and to dispel myths about eating ice. I think the results are going to surprise some people. Now instead of 'an apple a day' people might start with 'a tray of ice cubes a day.' It's just wonderful. And such a social activity. I even do it with my dog."

The team who worked on the study highlighted the importance of social interaction with ice eating. Of all the 15,000 ice eaters studied, only 5% said they did it in private. One such outlier, Bob Barnes had this to say:

"I'm ashamed of the way it crunches. Everybody stares at me. I usually just grab a tray of ice and munch it in the closet. That way their beady little eyes aren't glaring at me or my ice."

It was also determined that Mr. Barnes is somewhat of a schizophrenic. Most people who ate ice did so in public so they could share with friends and "spread the joy" of eating ice to those they loved. Some scientists thought this might be a subliminal type of indoctrination strategy, but Margaret Johansen, ice eater extraordinaire, had this to say:

"Eating ice takes the edge off for me. It's like eating something and punching a wall at the same time. That, and if I eat it just before eating super frozen ice cream it makes the experience so much easier. I also love having friends over when I eat ice. We can all sit around in a circle and vent with a bowl of ice in the middle. The crunch soothes as we let it all out."

Margaret's story was in fact not all that uncommon. While women in the study connected their ice eating to stress reduction, men tended to do it because it was "fun" or "crunchy." Sam Steuer, a Packers fan, said, 

"Eating ice is awesome. It's like eating rocks made of water....frozen water. And, when me and my buddies get together for tailgating at Lambeau field sometimes all we have to drink...er...eat is buckets of ice. It's what makes us men."

The new evidence of the social, physical, and psychological benefits of eating ice are astounding. Over time the Smile Happy Council hopes to push more ice onto the menus of public schools, local franchise restaurants, and make it more available at grocery stores. Certain wholesale food companies are already toying with the idea of novelty ices with fun shapes like penguins and balloons. Where it all will lead, nobody knows, but, happy chewing!