Unemployment - The Real Story

The word of the day today is unemployed. Some of you, especially during these tricky economic times we're in, might be very familiar with this word. Some of you probably think it has something to do with you. Others of you think it has nothing to do with you, but is all Bush's fault, the bankers fault, congress's fault, Obama's fault, etc., etc. Well none of that is true. The reason you, or any one else is unemployed right now is because of aliens.

No, I'm not talking about the illegal kind that come in from Latin America, Eastern Europe, or Africa. No, REAL aliens. Like the kind that come from the planet Schorgatron-56. They are talking over. So far they have completely infiltrated the tax law industry, the dentist industry, and the American auto industry. And, for over a century now they have been sucking out the brains of our legislative, executive, and judiciary branches of government in the US. 

Why do they do it? Well, doing human jobs is apparently a better time than abducting and probing drunk farmers. And they do it for the same reason you go to Cancun and get wasted. Or go to the beach and have a bonfire and make aborigine chants late at night. It's a cheap thrill. Yes, that's right. Aliens like to have a good time. And, that puts them in good company. In fact, some famous crazy party animals out there who you thought were human are/were actually aliens. Lindsay Lohan - alien. John Belushi - alien. Kevin Bacon - alien. Paris Hilton - three aliens. Nicole Richie - an embryo of an alien.

So what should we do? Nothing. Just let them finish up here and they'll leave. Your boss will be begging for you to come back in no time.

My Friend's Foolproof Plan to Get into Law School

My friend Travis had a funny idea of how he plans to get into law school that I thought I would share:

I have thought of a foolproof plan to get into the law schools that might not otherwise accept me.

Step 1: I will feign my own death. I'm imagining the scenario something like this: I go on a road trip that takes me through some very rural areas during a blizzard. The car breaks down, and I start wandering aimlessly in the snow. The falling snow covers my tracks, making it impossible for the rescuers to find me. They conclude that I froze to death somewhere. Something like that. In reality, I had a friend follow me, and rode back to their house with them, where I will spend the next couple weeks hanging out in the basement and reading Calvin and Hobbes.

Step 2: I make sure that someone notifies all the schools I applied to. They also request that the schools notify them about the acceptance decision, so that they can say, "He had just been accepted to Harvard Law" or whatever, in the eulogy.

Step 3: The law school admissions people, moved to compassion, decide to grant my posthumous admission. I'm dead; what harm can it do?

Step 4: I miraculously reappear, alive, with a remarkable story about being rescued by a family of wolves during the blizzard and living in a cave for a week, answering the Call of the Wild.

Step 5: The law schools feel obligated to let me in, since they said they had admitted me.
It's foolproof! Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Let me know if you have a free basement I can borrow. And lots of Calvin and Hobbes books.

Outlawed: The word 'poop'

Outlawed: In the state of Utah, the word 'poop'.

This means that all people who need to defecate must use another word. If one must go to the bathroom, apparently one of the only permissible ways to say it is, "May I go to the bathroom?".

However, it is unclear whether it is permissible or politically correct to say "pinch a loaf," or "drop a deuce," or even "drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." However, what we do now know is that saying the word 'poop' in public is no longer permitted. Anyone caught saying it may be exposed to abject humiliation, fines, and possible jail time. The legislature deemed the word 'unsatisfactory' and gave it a subpar rating on their 'word appropriateness scale.' Other words and phrases receiving similarly poor ratings were: gryphendor, high school musical, potty, jamer ramers, flippin', and frickin'.


Vigilante enforcement is encouraged by local police and other law enforcement personnel. Recommended methods are bludgeoning via spoon, squeegee, or rolls of duct tape or eating all of their snack food. Rewards for certain at large menaces exceed $500.

Billy Madison would be pleased.