Cardboard. Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

Apparently there is some massive subculture out there that advocates eating cardboard. I only discovered this today as I searched for random pictures that would hopefully incite riots of bewilderment. Here is a link to a website that sells shirts promoting the consumption of cardboard. I guess, in a nonsensical way, it makes sense. I mean, it's better that we eat cardboard than it eat us.

These people have already been consumed by cardboard. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love.

This could be your cardboard overlord.

Eat him before it's too late.

As it turns out, eating cardboard is also better for the environment. You produce less harmful bi-products, and don't have to worry about eating lots of other stuff. It thereby reduces farm costs (to zero), eliminating the need for irrigation (saving water), and allowing all livestock to roam free. It then frees up farmers to make more cardboard. Yay! And if that weren't enough, you will shed those extra pounds in no time. Dreams really do come true. With cardboard.

Flappy is the mascot of the cardboard council. He teaches children to eat more cardboard.

New Study: Eating ice is good for you

After a ten year study scientists and dentists alike from the Smile Happy Council have come to the conclusion that eating ice is not so bad. In fact, eating ice can be a good thing for your health. Some of the reasons cited were as follows:

* Eating ice reduces boredom 

* Eating ice also improves jaw strength

* Eating ice reduces stress

* (Most dentists agree) Even if the ice breaks your teeth, they can be fixed for a nominal fee 

* Eating ice can be a good way to start social interactions with people you do not know

* Eating ice can be a good way to get people's attention

* Eating ice is great for movie sound effects

* If you are agitated at a loved one, eating ice near their ear is a creative way to reprimand

The study had a sample size of 15,000 ice eaters and 15,000 non-ice eaters and was carried outfrom 1999 to 2009. Dr. Klenners, who led the study, had this to say:

"Ice eating has been in my family for generations. It's a family past time really. I started the study to see if it had benefits and to dispel myths about eating ice. I think the results are going to surprise some people. Now instead of 'an apple a day' people might start with 'a tray of ice cubes a day.' It's just wonderful. And such a social activity. I even do it with my dog."

The team who worked on the study highlighted the importance of social interaction with ice eating. Of all the 15,000 ice eaters studied, only 5% said they did it in private. One such outlier, Bob Barnes had this to say:

"I'm ashamed of the way it crunches. Everybody stares at me. I usually just grab a tray of ice and munch it in the closet. That way their beady little eyes aren't glaring at me or my ice."

It was also determined that Mr. Barnes is somewhat of a schizophrenic. Most people who ate ice did so in public so they could share with friends and "spread the joy" of eating ice to those they loved. Some scientists thought this might be a subliminal type of indoctrination strategy, but Margaret Johansen, ice eater extraordinaire, had this to say:

"Eating ice takes the edge off for me. It's like eating something and punching a wall at the same time. That, and if I eat it just before eating super frozen ice cream it makes the experience so much easier. I also love having friends over when I eat ice. We can all sit around in a circle and vent with a bowl of ice in the middle. The crunch soothes as we let it all out."

Margaret's story was in fact not all that uncommon. While women in the study connected their ice eating to stress reduction, men tended to do it because it was "fun" or "crunchy." Sam Steuer, a Packers fan, said, 

"Eating ice is awesome. It's like eating rocks made of water....frozen water. And, when me and my buddies get together for tailgating at Lambeau field sometimes all we have to drink...er...eat is buckets of ice. It's what makes us men."

The new evidence of the social, physical, and psychological benefits of eating ice are astounding. Over time the Smile Happy Council hopes to push more ice onto the menus of public schools, local franchise restaurants, and make it more available at grocery stores. Certain wholesale food companies are already toying with the idea of novelty ices with fun shapes like penguins and balloons. Where it all will lead, nobody knows, but, happy chewing!

Man eaten by his own Koi fish.

Just this morning, in a small peaceful suburban cul-de-sac in central California, terror reigned supreme. All was calm. Sons were playing catch with their fathers. Wives were shopping for scarves with their daughters. And Grampa Joe was feeding the fish. Little did they know, a brutal slaying would occur.

At 567 Coral Drive where Grampa Joe lived, he had a koi pond. He loved his fish, and he was meticulous about feeding them. Unfortunately, today was the day the food ran out. But, the fish didn't know that. As Grampa made his way out to the pond he noticed that one of the fish had jumped out of the pond. Seeing the fish, he stooped down to pick it up. However, right as he did, another fish splashed water at his feet. He slipped and fell back into the pond in a graceful swan dive.

Only hours later did anyone notice Grampa Joe was gone. But it was too late. He was devoured by his fish. After 3 hours of very vigorous nibbling, Grampa Joe was unrecognizable.

"Suzy and I were in the house knitting sweaters for the homeless. We were just having so much fun, we didn't even think about Grampa Joe. I guess we got a little carried away," said Carol, her daughter.

Dr. Martin, expert on koi fish from the Institute of Ichthyology in Dearborn, Michigan said, "This is very irregular. Koi fish are usually too lazy to move more than a couple feet a day. For them to have eaten this man is quite odd. I worry about this new phenomenon. I'm thinking about having a koi fish BBQ this weekend to get rid of mine."

Grampa Joe's funeral will be held at 42 South Redford Lane at Ahab's Funeral Home in Lemon Cove, California. All those who own fish, or loved Grampa Joe are invited.

Do you eat rocks?

Here are some strictly hypothetical questions for you:

What if rocks tasted good and had nutritional value? Would you eat them? Would you grind them into powder and pour them on your cereal?

Some rocks of course, are edible, and nutritional, but the taste leaves something to be desired (that something is probably real food). However, the rocks that you can eat do not by any means taste good, and if they are eaten whole, they'll be the last thing you ever eat (teeth are nice to have, but rocks and teeth don't get along as well as they should).

Whether you think eating rocks is a bad idea, good idea, or something you are currently doing while reading this, you have at one point or another eaten rocks in your life. The denials have started. But really, you have. Every time you have a beach picnic. Every time you eat near dust, and whenever you have a vitamin, or vitamin enhanced orange juice or cereal. The first two seem obvious, but the second two not so much. The fact is, zinc, calcium, copper, iron, etc. all come from rocks, and get into our food. With good and bad results. The Romans liked rocks with lead in them, and even made pipes out of the stuff. 

So be careful when eating rocks. You can't avoid eating them, so just be careful. And eating them is sometimes just as rewarding as throwing them.