English Lesson

You might have found out by now that the English language does itself no favors. Some (and by some I mean perhaps even a vast majority) words are exactly what their definition claims there are. Others are the exact opposite. Some, by being what they are, often do so to their own detriment. Here's our first prime example:

ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\
Function: adjective
Date: 1830
:existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread
Ubiquitous is hardly ubiquitous. You don't find the word running around on fashion designer logos or at your local McDonalds. Ubiquitous keeps to itself and is only rarely dropped in conversation to impress people. Well, I'm unimpressed ubiquitous. You're a waste of syllables (for you Global Warmers out there - ubiquitous leaves a huge syllabic footprint, not unlike the methane footprint left behind by goats).

Then we have another word to show people how smart you are, embarrassing them, and more often than not making you look like a total jerk. Here it is:

es·o·ter·ic
Pronunciation: \ˌe-sə-ˈter-ik, -ˈte-rik\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin esotericus, from Greek esōterikos, from esōterō, comparative of eisō, esō within, from eis into; akin to Greek en in — more at in
Date: circa 1660

1 a: designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone b: requiring or exhibiting knowledge that is restricted to a small group; broadly : difficult to understand
2 a: limited to a small circle b: private, confidential
3: of special, rare, or unusual interest
Esoteric is what it says it is. Very few of the common people (your average everyday English speaker, of which there are almost 600 million worldwide) know what it means. In fact, usually only college educated people, professors, or people who work for Kaplan will know about it. Good job esoteric. You're an elitist, aristocratic, snotty brat of a word. And, because you are, no one is going to use you to describe anything because you wouldn't help, you'd just make the word you were trying to explain more inexplicable.

Oh English. You are so silly. Stay silly.

The new ELITE

For me, those who have the most money are not elite. Those who are old are not elite. Those who are physically attractive are not elite. To be elite one must make the most sense. That does not leave out those who are not as bright, and that does not leave out the smarties either. If you make more sense than most people, you're in.

Now here's the problem: What makes sense to me might not make any sense to you. To avoid this relativistic problem, I'm going to say what makes sense to me trumps your take. Always. I think it's a good assumption.

Here's another part of it: If you make sense to me on most things you're in. Total agreement is not attainable.

I wanted to make a list of the new elite, but I don't want to get any angry letters from people who do not want to be on it or vice versa, so I'll just throw out some initials, and you can just assume they are yours (PS - this is not an all-inclusive list):

SM, BC, MM, RM, JR, EJ, RS, RM, KM, PR, LM, JD, SN, MH, JM, CP, KM and IM

Abu Dhabi buys New York.

Well here's some good news for those of you who think there isn't any: Abu Dhabi, the massive middle eastern investment firm, has just bought the Chrysler building in New York. Yippeee!!!! There's nothing better than abusive sultans and their buddies who live off oil largesse buying up art deco icons that dominate the New York skyline, while most of their fellow countrymen starve. It's just so thrilling. I hear the next thing they're buying is the Washington Memorial. It will look so nice with an onion head hat on top of it (I always worried that someone would get hurt with that pointy spire).

But, I saw this glorious day coming. The Manhattan GM building was sold off to the Kuwaitis and Qataris weeks ago. I love it. With our real estate slump, these guys are a Godsend. I hope they replace the horse cops in New York with camel cops. That will be great. And maybe they'll sell flying carpets on street corners...and crazy gypsies will tell Shaharazade and her 1001 Nights to passers by. Living the dream New York. Living the dream.

My Mom IS "THE Best"

There is a time and place for subjectivity. This blog is one such place. But today I will be anything but subjective. I'll just be honest. My mom is the best mom who has ever lived and will ever live. Don't argue. It's just the way it is. You might think to yourselves that your mom is better, but if we are in the 'truth zone,' or the land of objectivity, you know in your heart that you're wrong, and I'm right. Sorry, that's life. Some people just get nicer things, a better life, or in my case, the best mom.



Why is she the best? Well, I could make a long list like everyone else does on mother's day, but for a mom who has already attained perfection, there is little I could say or do that would make it any more real and glorious to have her around. The words I could write and the words I could say would not do the reality that is my mom justice. Let me just allow you all to be jealous. Imagine if you will, a utopian world and a perfect family. My mom would be the head of that family. That's right. Happy mother's day mom.

Wake up to the chant of CHANGE (with no direction)!

Wake up people! Seriously. Now that we've had a couple months of a prolonged democratic nominating contest, you can see the candidates so much more clearly. The contrasts are telling. I will refer to Obama right now.

In the beginning, I'm sure you well remember his constant mantra of CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! My question, is I think very relevant. Remember that quote that "The only constant in this world is change"? Well at least that hasn't changed. So then I ask, what's the big deal? From the looks of things, Obama talks out of one side of the mouth, while mumbling something unappealing an unintelligible on the other side. By that I mean he calls for us to rise above partisan politics all the while toting the most liberal voting record in the senate for 2007.

Then there's the fact that his preacher, Jeremiah Wright, whom he never really distanced himself from, thinks black people are the only people who are worthwhile. You should listen to his sermons on youtube.com, it's all about how the white man has it out for the black man, and how the black community must rise up against the evil white wave. Please. How is this a new kind of non-divisive politics? It's that whole concept of unity through disunity that I guess I never got. Sure. Lets favor one group over another to compensate for years of inequality the other way. Bring equality through inequality! Fight fire with fire! Genius. But I digress.

Obama is eloquent. Obama is charismatic. Obama has a decent image. Why? Because eight months ago, no one knew he he was. Now they do. How fortunate for the voters. Not so fortunate for him. Turns out he's got a closet loaded full of skeletons. And, on top of it, he has no real leadership experience. Two years in the Illinois senate and two more as a junior senator does not make you qualified to be leader of the free world. He might as well do one of those Holiday Inn Express commercials. I can see it now, the President of the EU comes to the White House to shake his hand and he starts talking about his new golfing buddy Raul Castro and how he will solve all our problems with universal health care...and then on top of that balance the budget with more taxes...then the President of the EU says, "Who are you again?" And Obama says, "Well I'm just a junior senator from Illinois that bribes people to vote for me with Dave Matthews Band tickets, but I also stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Classic.

Connoisseurs of the Finer Things

It may come as no surprise to you that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Yes a mouthful). However, we are generally more commonly referred to as Mormons or LDS. I'd say that might save your mouth and mind the aggravation of memorization and your short hand the unease of remembering where to put a hyphen in the name. And, as you may also know, us Mormons have a fairly strict diet code that calls for us to, among other things, eat meat sparingly, eat plenty of grains, not drink alcohol, coffee or non-herbal teas. Because of this, it is amusing to me to see the sorts of things that other members of my church become connoisseur's and aficionados of (and yes, I realize I just ended that sentence with a preposition). Here is a list of what my friends (and myself) tend to be connoisseurs of:

*Chocolate
*Cheese
*Meats
*Baked Goods
*Juices
*Sauces

Now the reason I am sticking to just food products is because the educated elite (upper middle-class, yuppie types) tend to view themselves as something far superior to the rest of the world because they can recite different champagne and wine labels and years and tell people whether it has an earthy or fruity taste. To further their snub of the rest of the world that spends more time trying to scrape enough money together in order to buy a bowl of rice to feed a family of twelve, they boast of their knowledge of exotic coffee beans and capuccino and latte combinations. So, of course, to keep up with the Joneses, the LDS community have become purveyors of the aforementioned goods. As it turns out, chocolate is grown all over the world, from Brazil to New Guinea to Aruba and refined in Switzerland, Germany, Belgium, England and the US. And of course, depending on where it is grown, it has certain flavors. Chocolate from New Guinea has a bittersweet fruity flavor, while chocolate from Brazil has a richer smoother flavor.

Now I'm not going to go too deep into all of the combinations, flavors and possibilities of all of these foods, but suffice it to say, the LDS community is not missing much without wine and coffee. For instance, with juices, with just mango alone there are more types than even apples. Some exotic fruits that you may not have heard of are acerola, acai, mangosteen, ciriguela, chibutchicaba. And all have a plethora of health benefits and taste selection to offer. I'll go into more detail about this in later posts, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.