Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett Dead.

Wow. Today has been a day of loss for American culture. The King of Pop, Michael Jackson died a little after 3:00pm PST. And, earlier today, former Charlie's Angels star Farrah Fawcett lost her long battle with cancer. 

The greater shock is about Michael's death. He was fifty and died of a sudden cardiac arrest, found in his home by one of his houseworkers. Details are sparse, but it is definitely a shock, as he was preparing for a huge comeback tour this summer.

Rest in peace both of you. Today we lost two great icons (regardless of your personal view of them). Their contributions to American, (and even world) culture were indeed great.

Indulge in Good Food

I'm a curious person. I always have been. And, my curiosity has led me to believe that certain things are just not fair, right, or sensical. A prime example is good tasting food. Generally speaking (and health nuts will dispute this), good tasting food is often very bad for you. Why is that? It's because it usually is loaded with fats, sugar, and tastiness. 

But why is tastiness a bad thing? Why not have a little fat and sugar? I mean, I'm not going to gorge myself in danishes and pudding all day and then top it off with 8 buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I can have some good tasting food every now and then right? I mean, sure celery and carrots can keep your mouth occupied, but it's like waiting for a bus. You feel like you're wasting your time. There is no satisfaction. And, even when the bus comes, it takes forever to get home. Good food, on the other hand, is like teleportation. Instant satisfaction. Bada Bing. Bada Boom (Trekies are loving this post, and are now thinking of teleporting food directly into their stomachs).

Think of your favorite food. Stop thinking about the calories. Stop thinking about fitting into some ridiculous pair of pants. Just think of that savory goodness on your plate. Mmmmm. It's good. Give in. Give in!*

*I'm sorry if I ruined your New Year's resolution. Most Americans give up after 10 days anyway. Get a new resolution to stop making resolutions and eat good food from now on.

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

The Most Stylish Letter of 2009!

Every May 19th a select pool of typographers, etymologists, linguists, poets, English professors, scrabble players, and people like me is narrowed down to an elite committee of judges to rank the letters of the American Alphabet according to their stylishness, and award the Most Stylish Letter of the Year Award*. In recent years the Most Stylish Letter of the Year Committee (MSLYC) has only consisted of one judge, due to the lack of responsiveness and heavy scheduling burdens of others chosen to sit on the committee. 2009 was no different for the MSLYC, and I am still the only one judging the Most Stylish Letter of the Year, but that hasn't changed the quality of this year's top contestants.

Cue (Q) and Ef (F) both showed promising early leads in the 1st rounds of judging, and some pundits had projected top five finishes for the Consonants. However, during some negative campaign ads the Q camp really worked hard to paint F as the demoralizing grade of failure in the classroom, and even used phrases such as "That's Effed Up" during rallies, subtly reminding the crowd of what F has stood for in the past. Strangely enough, that phrase increased F's popularity among certain demographics, including teenagers, sailors, and anyone who has seen "The Boondock Saints." Q lost considerable support when an F campaign spokesman spun the ads as "attack ads." The comment that really left Q in a quagmire came at a phonics fundraiser when F said, "What's up with the dependency on 'you' (U)? There's nothing stylish about that [...] the neediness is just pathetic." The slurring ended with less-than-lowercase ratings for both letters.

The vowel campaigns were unsually strong this year across the board, from A, E, I, O, to U, and employing a new slogan this year: "Always Y." Why (Y) fought fiercely to avoid being labeled a "flip-flopper" by either the Vowels or Consonants. Y's campaign also made great use of it's descender, the part of the lowercase letter that extends below the "v" where the two lines meet. O has been the most successful of the vowels, as a six time Top Ten Finisher, consistently campaigning on simplicity and pure curvature. However, this year Cee (C) and Ess (S) borrowed the approach, and left O way behind in almost every poll. Not even the corporate endorsement from Google ("O puts the 'ooooo' in Google") seemed to help. Without any particularly creative ideas to gain attention, O completely floundered this year, which left E and Y as the top contenders for the Vowels.

At the very top, competing for first place, Zee (Z) and Ecks (X) put on the most entertaining of letter duels. The two former-champion Consonants have been trading titles for the last nineteen years of this competition, with twelve wins for Z and seven for X. At the last debate between the two nominees it was no surprise to see the Xylophone and Xena: Warrior Princess jokes again. X responded without missing a beat, pretending to snore, "Zzzzzz... haven't you got any new material?" Z bantered back immediately, "Zilch."

So without any further ado, it's time to announce the The Most Stylish Letter of 2009...



X!

On behalf of the MSLYC, I'd like to thank all twenty-six of our entrees this year, and invite them all to return for next year's competition. Congratulations, Ecks!

*The May 19th contest was first founded to commemorate both the beheading of Henry VIII's second wife Anne Boleyn in 1536, and John Quincy Adam's signing of the Tariff of 1828, protecting US wool manufacturers. You can learn more at the following link: the following link.

Philosophy of the Meatball

It is an age old question. A tale as old as time. A song as old as rhyme. Why do we like saucy meatballs? Why do we need sauce with meatballs? What makes meatball sauce so saucy? All of these are penetrating, deep questions with no easy answer. Meatball historians have been plagued by these ontological questions since the first meatball showed up on the scene thousands of years ago. Italians will claim the meatball. Americans claim the meatball. Even the Afghanis have a meatball claim. But who is first? Was the meatball created, or has it always existed a priori to our human existence? Do we shape the meatball, or has it shaped us?

This brings us to another interesting subject. Meatball worship. There are cultures in the Pacific islands that believe in an omniscient, omnipresent, omnibus meatball. It is the giver and taker of life. Where the Japanese have the earth or the moon on the back of a sea turtle, these islanders have it all within the deliciously well-seasoned layers of the tropical meatball. The belief is that all life is saucy, delicious, and full of meat. We must embrace it, smother it with sauce, and devour it. Then the meatball has become one with us and we have become one with it.

But what makes a meatball? Is it the meat, or the spherical shape? Is it the sauce, or the spices? The meatball is whole. It is not just its parts. It cannot be entirely meat or entirely ball, just as we cannot be entirely "hu" or entirely "man". If we understand the meatball, we in turn understand ourselves. All meatballs made by man worldwide are symbolic of this greater metaphysical truth meatball. Some are made out of goat, sheep, beef, turkey, or, in some rare cases, people. But regardless of their meat substance they have a unity of shape and purpose. Roundness and edibility. Such is life. Round and edible.

The World doesn't elect America's President.

You know what I just love? Don't answer that (that could lead to a number of crude responses). I love the media's use of polls. The media loves them. Politicians love them. Or, they hate them. If the poll says what they want, they put it on the front page. If it doesn't, it gets put in the classifieds. Well, a recent poll that has no relevance at all says that the people of the world want Obama as President.

First off, just a little FYI to media people who thought that poll somehow mattered, this is an AMERICAN election. In this election, who matters are the AMERICAN candidates, and what the AMERICAN people want. 80% of the French want Barack (This picture of Barack comes from the French magazine Le Monde. 

Well guess what France, you can have him after the election, if he defects and becomes a French citizen, but for now, we decide. Obviously the percentage is just as high in Kenya, but once again, Kenya is not the US, and neither is Russia, another country that also wants him to be President.

And, if it weren't enough that we have to hear about how the rest of the world wants to run our country, the beleaguered British PM Gordon Brown praised Obama's charisma and economic platforms, in a time when his party is anything but motivated. He claims that he has not endorsed Obama, but in the article that was written by one of his party's junior staffers, there was no mention of McCain. Seems like a 'not so discreet, under the table, while handing the goods to the wrong hands' type of endorsement to me. 

At any rate, while some may argue that the Presidency of the US is a global issue, because we are the world's lone superpower (excluding an emerging China, and a resurgent Russia), the fact remains, that the responsibility and privilege to elect OUR head of state, does still reside in the hands of the American people, and not in the world's hands. It is not the United States of the World. But the United States of America. Now let's stick to the issues, and let America figure out its own domestic affairs (I know we don't always let the rest of the world do it, but if I were president, sovereign states would remain that way under most conditions, and as far as I know the US is a sovereign state).

Obamamania!

You know what I've heard from the McCain camp, and numerous non-American press outlets? I heard that Obama is getting more publicity from the media than McCain. I am shocked. I mean, it just doesn't make sense for the press to be chasing around a handsome, young, energizing mulatto from Chicago's south side. They should be chasing a battle-worn, cranky, white septuagenarian like McCain.  

The statistics are pretty interesting though. In the past month, of the new stories regarding Presidential candidates, 77% have been about Obama, with only 33% about McCain. That disparity is a tad disconcerting. And, many in the press have been blatantly open about their lack of objectivity, saying, as Chris Matthews did, that they have "felt a tingling sensation go up [their] legs" when hearing Obama speak and campaign. It would not be quite so funny if it weren't actually happening. But, at the same time, most American news is nothing but sensationalism passed off as journalism. And that's one reason I read more news from Britain and other countries.

However, I can't help but think I am only contributing to the Obamamania by mentioning him in my blog as much as I do. I try to get both McCain's name, and Obama's in the same post, or in the same sentence (like this one), but it can be tricky. They are trying to outmaneuver each other using the press.  Well, I won't be bought. The fact is, regardless of the press's favoritism of Obama, the polls have remained relatively the same. Obama has a slim 2-3% point lead and it hasn't changed much at all for a few weeks. That should be comforting to McCain, and a little sign of trouble for Obama. Either way, I think it will be a fun race to watch in these upcoming days and months.

All Star Game Ads

So last night, as I assume many of you were, I was watching the Major League Baseball All-Star game.  The game was intense, lasted almost five hours, going 15 full innings, and in the end, the American League beat the National League for the 12th undefeated season.

But that's not what I want to write about today.  The thing that stuck out most were the commercials.  And apparently, the summer classic's advertising demographic.  The advertisers were Viagra, Flomax, Just for Men, and a tone deaf monkey screaming (not singing) 'Take me out to the ball game,' for some youtube.com/MLB contest.  

Of course there were other ads from Chevy and other companies, but most of the ads were definitely directed at the Baby-boomer crowd (plus 40s).  So I began to think to myself, "Could it be that MLB has no new fans?  I heard that the average baseball fan is 29...so maybe it's true.  I'm not even 29 yet, but what happens if our national pastime dies with the boomers?"

It would be very sad.  It is a beautiful game.  There is so much math, interesting rules, and history.  Legends were made, nations formed, and familial relations were given new life.  Going to a game with your father, or playing catch is a rite of passage in this country.  I'd hate to see it die.  But, I imagine if many more All-Star games go to 15 innings and 5 hours, people might not have the attention spans anymore.  That, and maybe people are getting embarrassed watching 50 year old guys rocking out on stage with hair color commercials and old dudes with giant smiles and sky blue tuxes running their wives up and down stairs with 'viva viagra' playing in the background. 

 Who knows?  I thought it was funny, and even told one of my friends he'd be the first one of us to use Viagra.  He laughed and said, "I already do."  

Independence Day

There are floats, parades, rodeos, mud wrestling bouts, pie-eating contests, flags, salutes, hot rods, hot dogs, hamburgers, fireworks, fire crackers, bands, orchestras, random government officials, and of course, much merriment. And that's it. It's all about the fun. It's all about the noise and rowdy exuberance.

The only reason we celebrate independence and years of strife, conflict, blessings and freedom is to have a decent excuse to throw a rager. We, as Americans need to party. We need a national birthday party complete with all the grandiose things and plenty of our rugged American shadiness. We need the Boston Pops playing as the Charles River lights up from firework barges. We need excess grilling, more burning of wood, charcoal, and anything that will make a fizzle. We need exotic dancers twirling patriotic batons and cowgirls decked out in Mary Kay and ribbons.


We deserve it. God bless America.

This Bud's not for you

I don't like the Belgian-Brazilian brewery know as Inbev. After having offered $46 billion for America's heart and soul, Anheuser-Busch, and getting a straight up "hell no," they are trying a hostile takeover of an American icon. Here is an excerpt from the article I read the other day about it:

"InBev, the world’s largest brewer, said on Thursday it would launch a hostile bid for Anheuser-Busch as its US rival rejected its $46bn bid as “financially inadequate”.

In court documents filed in the Court of Chancery in Delaware, InBev said it was preparing to launch a proxy battle seeking the removal of Anheuser’s entire board, citing “delays and apparent plans to attempt to block the acquisition”.

Shortly after the filing, Anheuser formally rejected InBev’s offer. August Busch IV, Anheuser’s chief executive, suggested in a letter to Carlos Brito, InBev’s chief executive, that the Belgian-Brazilian group was seeking to take advantage of the low level of the dollar and subdued US stock markets with an offer that undervalued Anheuser’s earnings potential."

That's not all. Read this:

"InBev’s court filing said that it had been told by Mr Busch before launching the bid that he was opposed to any offer, and that Anheuser was “not for sale”. Mr Busch, according to InBev, also said he and his board were committed to the company’s independence."

I say, "Here, here, Mr Busch, this bud's for you." Let's keep Anheuser-Busch's 50% of the beer market share in control of
America, not some Belgian-Brazilian interlopers who are only taking advantage of a soft market and a weak dollar.


The funny part is, I don't drink beer. I don't drink - period. However, I would hate to see such an American icon get sold off to another Multinational Corporation without a soul. Remember the Budweiser Clydesdales? Remember all the commercials about Budweiser being the King of Beers, and American made? Well, guess what, giving the stockholders 10 bucks more a share isn't worth selling out on America and it's favorite beer. Don't worry shareholders, Anheuser-Busch has a plan to slim down and become very profitable in the next couple years. Give them a chance. Inbev is trying a hostile takeover against August Busch IV and his entire board. They don't care about American jobs, they just want a huge stake in the American beer market at a low price. Don't give in. We need at least 76% of you to hold firm.

Here's the full article.