Low Fat, Low Cal...Taste Debatable

So you may have, from time to time, gone down the aisle of your preferred grocery establishment in search of a sweet treat like chocolate milk...only to discover they only offer "reduced fat" or "low fat" chocolate milk. To me, that is disappointing. Even tragic.

Sure, that cow on the bottle looks happy, but in truth he hates himself.

Similar things happen when you're looking for ice cream, candy, and even soda. You've got coke zero, diet coke, stevia sweetened ginger beer, candy with no sugar or trans fats. On the one hand you could get fat (if you go with the regular), while on the the other hand you could get cancer (with all the phenylalanine and like diet sweeteners).

I mean, if you're looking to eat something sweet and satisfyingly delectable, you probably aren't too concerned about the fat content. And if you are, please go eat some quinoa, buckwheat, amaranth, and then go do your yoga/pilates/tai chi and leave the fat foods for those of us with the restraint to enjoy them without forcing them to become crappy. Or just leave them for the fat kids who don't care.

So do I.

And so does this guy.

I didn't make you fat America. You made you fat. Like that grammar? I like my regular, whole milk chocolate milk. I like my regular, delicious food. I don't like diet anything. I don't like fat free, sugar free whatever. And guess what America, I'm not fat. I have it both ways. I have my cake, and eat it too (But actually I'm a bit particular with my cakes. I'm not a cake guy. I like pie. If I have to eat cake I like angel food cake or that dark chocolate mousse cake...or ice cream cake). I digress...

The point is this: If you want to lose weight, be aware of what you're putting in your body and how much exercise you get. Eat fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and get fresh air and sun and work out as often as possible. And, it's not about losing weight, it's about being healthy. But you won't do it by eating tons of diet stuff. That's the problem. People go, oh, they're "mini" cupcakes, or it's "diet" and proceed to eat the whole bag, box, or case. So, to avoid that, don't eat diet stuff in the first place. Smaller regular food portion size is better than larger diet portion size.

Not everyone is going to be a nasty, emaciated, twig-type, and that's ok. In fact, it's probably good. I should never have something stuck in my teeth, look around for a toothpick, and find you to be a suitable substitute.

She drank the wrong kind of chocolate milk.

It's also ok, and even good to splurge every now any then. As long as butter pecan ice cream and cupcakes don't become your staple food items, and you don't eat your cereal with Dr. Pepper instead of milk, you'll probably be ok. Don't quote me on that though. I know some people who have Dr. Pepper fed intravenously into their arms and they do fine.

And the moral of this diatribe: EAT UP FATTIES!

Indulge in Good Food

I'm a curious person. I always have been. And, my curiosity has led me to believe that certain things are just not fair, right, or sensical. A prime example is good tasting food. Generally speaking (and health nuts will dispute this), good tasting food is often very bad for you. Why is that? It's because it usually is loaded with fats, sugar, and tastiness. 

But why is tastiness a bad thing? Why not have a little fat and sugar? I mean, I'm not going to gorge myself in danishes and pudding all day and then top it off with 8 buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I can have some good tasting food every now and then right? I mean, sure celery and carrots can keep your mouth occupied, but it's like waiting for a bus. You feel like you're wasting your time. There is no satisfaction. And, even when the bus comes, it takes forever to get home. Good food, on the other hand, is like teleportation. Instant satisfaction. Bada Bing. Bada Boom (Trekies are loving this post, and are now thinking of teleporting food directly into their stomachs).

Think of your favorite food. Stop thinking about the calories. Stop thinking about fitting into some ridiculous pair of pants. Just think of that savory goodness on your plate. Mmmmm. It's good. Give in. Give in!*

*I'm sorry if I ruined your New Year's resolution. Most Americans give up after 10 days anyway. Get a new resolution to stop making resolutions and eat good food from now on.

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

A Day in Pictures

So today I'm not writing a blog post. I'm painting a strange mosaic with unrelated and ridiculous pictures. Some are funny, some are just sick. Enjoy.

This walrus is ashamed. Clearly he's overweight.

My only friend.

This makes more sense than you know.

A good friend of mine

I never saw it coming. Came out of nowhere.

G.I. Joe!

I did.

Oh Silly Hans, you're so silly. 

This is what the Yankees do to people

Sick.

He's an erudite ape.

Drunken pony rider

Drunken bulldog who happens to wear Calvin Klein

Bizarre.

This is how to walk a dog. Not lazy at all.

This is definitely not lazy.

Normal.

Augh!

What a handsome face

A real man's man.

HA.

Reminds me of a buddy of mine.

George Clinton, your hair is awesome. And, your awesome is hair.

Delicious.

If you don't get this watch Dune. This is friggin' hilarious.

I hope my children make podcasts.

Aww. Corn dogs are so cute.

He's having so much fun.

Whales and Manatees: 'Protective layer of Blubber' a Cop Out

There are many creatures in the animal kingdom who have been given a free pass for far too long. Creative wording has hidden the truth and kept many of them in unhealthy conditions. Quite often, when referring to manatees, whales, and even hippos, scientists have used the phrase "layer of protective blubber." Well, it's time to stop the sugar coating and enabling. Quite simply, these animals are fat.

For years now Europeans and Americans have been concerned about obesity among its citizenry, but they have forgotten about their even heavier mammal neighbors. The most poorly treated has been the manatee. Slow, docile, and for all intents and purposes, a stupid aquatic cow, the manatee as a species has taken several hits. Some quite literally (from speedboats), but some more indirectly by scientists who insidiously refer to their slowness and weight problem as "natural". 

Manatee activist Charles Bruthaumer, visibly upset said, "They are being hit by speed boats, and we are supposed to not help them lose weight and become faster? Where is the Richard Simmons of the sea world? Why don't they get Jenny Craig diet plans? Where are their banana nut smoothies?"

The problem has reached pandemic proportions, with 100% of the manatee population affected by obesity. And, unfortunately most whale species, from the western Pacific to the Atlantic are suffering from the politically correct and severely enabling diagnosis of a "healthy layer of blubber."

"It saddens me. So many activists say 'Save the whales' and 'We care about sea life' but then turn a blind eye to this obesity problem," said Dr. Zhivago of the Aquatic Obesity Institute in eastern Russia.

But, while some nations do not even know there is a problem, others have been trying to fix the problem for years now. As it turns out, Japanese whale hunting fleets have not been merely killing whales for their meat, but in fact have developed an effective program that captures whales and gives them state of the art marine mammal liposuction. Dr. Kurimaku, lead plastic surgeon for operation "Thin Whale" had this to say:

"Everybody gets so mad at my country for whale fishing. If only the government would let us tell the world what we are doing. We aren't killing the whales. We are saving them."

If only more nations of the world could be as proactive as the Japanese. Unfortunately the future looks grim for most aquatic mammals. The rate of diabetes and number of cases of heart diseases for whales and manatees has sky-rocketed in the past 5 years. Most dolphins, the trim and healthy of the aquatic mammal world, don't seem to mind. Former star of the '60s TV show 'Flipper', had this to say:

"Those stupid whales and manatees just need to stop feeding on krill and seaweed all day and get some exercise. They could take up surfing, or water acrobatics. I hear that the killer whales have even developed treadmills on some of the northern ice flows. The fat ones just need to reclaim their lives. It's doable. Just look at me."

Logically Illogical

We all have a tendency to be deliberately illogical. However, we pass it off as logical. I'm sure you can think of many instances in your life where this is true. Let me give one of mine.

So I went to a hamburger place with some friends after a basketball game. After looking at the menu thoroughly, I made the most unhealthful decision possible and got a burger with word "X-treme" in it. It involved a lot of meat and toppings (and I did it one handed). But, the initial choice was not the one that was REALLY illogical. After I ordered this enormous slab of beef and vegetable garden in between two buns, I decided to get a root beer float. I guess the logic would be, "Well I got a friggin huge sandwich that will probably clog my arteries and stop my heart, so I might as well get something equally unhealthy and deliciously fattening to wash it down." This type of thinking makes no sense when we step back, but at the time it makes perfect sense.

It's like saying while I'm up on the edge of this precipice overlooking a lake, "I might as well jump...and jump without shoes." Or it's like saying, "Well I already chipped my tooth playing this game, so I might as well keep playing it, because that tooth's not coming back." Or, "I already have a stain on my shirt, so I might as well go mud wrestling."

(Remember what happened when Old Blue went mud wrestling?)

These actions seem plenty logical. But, strangely enough they are not. There really are a lot of great examples I could give, but I'd rather you give me a couple. Tell your best story in the comments.

So what if me and the colonel know each other on a first name basis?

Obesity. It's a serious problem in this country. It's almost a world-wide epidemic. 

Now, that being said, it's bad enough to be called 'obese', but then why do doctors, lawmakers, and other people need to sub-classify some people as 'morbidly obese'? Either you're obese or you're not. Do we really need to attach scary adverbs like morbidly? It makes the person feel like they are not only fat, but part of a freaky haunted house at a bad halloween party. Guess what?! That fat isn't a halloween costume, and this isn't a Stephen King novel. Saying morbidly obese is just uncaring. 

So I think we should reclassify these people in a more PC way. 

Perhaps saying they are 'weight impaired'. Or, maybe 'the more blessedly obese'. Or 'the reason we have good NFL lineman'.

Don't eat me grease monkey!

"Oh no I couldn't."
"Why not? It's delicious."
"Oh, but it has so much fat."

Have you heard this before? Maybe the first person is you. Maybe you're the second person. Either way, you've given in. And good for you. If you're going to eat a tray of brownies, a gallon of ice cream, or a bucket of fried chicken, don't do it half-arsed. Gorge yourself in the sugary, fattening goodness.

I love to see people deny themselves the savory delectable treats of life in one moment and then turn around and eat something far worse. It makes me smile. I can't say that I haven't done it myself. An example I will give occurred just the other day. A friend of mine named Betty* came over to my house with her room mates. Fortunately for me, and my room mate Cletus*, they brought warm, deliciously gooey brownies. And, I had some high quality milk to wash it down. We chatted, and made merriment for a while, and then got down to business. Everyone had at least one brownie...but there were left overs. So, Cletus had another and I had another 4 to finish them off. I felt I had done my duty. Now, before I had done this, the other ladies were offered those same brownies, but for some odd reason, apparently they just didn't taste as good as they had before, or perhaps they were full...or maybe they just realized they didn't like the color brown. All very good reasons. So, we finished. And then, much to surprise and utter joy (slight exaggeration), Betty suggested we got to a fast food restaurant to eat some burgers. Wow. What a novel concept. So we went, and everyone ate a burger and me and my room mate ate 1 1/2 burgers (I know some of you are wincing right now at how healthy our choices were that night). But now, at this point, I was definitely not in need of any more food. You might even say I was full. And, I would have thought that the others there with me felt the same. I was wrong. Betty then said, "Why don't we go get some more burgers"....at such and such a place. At this point I couldn't help but see why all of her weekly exercising had gone to naught.

Please don't tell me you can't have another brownie, and then go off and lube your digestive tract with fryilator grease. If you are hungry for unhealthy garbage, eat it. Don't pretend to not like it only to eat more of it later. You are not getting any benefit from your pseudo-denial. But, you do make me chuckle. Give in fatty. Give in.

*Names changed to protect their gluttonous habits