Cardboard. Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

Apparently there is some massive subculture out there that advocates eating cardboard. I only discovered this today as I searched for random pictures that would hopefully incite riots of bewilderment. Here is a link to a website that sells shirts promoting the consumption of cardboard. I guess, in a nonsensical way, it makes sense. I mean, it's better that we eat cardboard than it eat us.

These people have already been consumed by cardboard. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love.

This could be your cardboard overlord.

Eat him before it's too late.

As it turns out, eating cardboard is also better for the environment. You produce less harmful bi-products, and don't have to worry about eating lots of other stuff. It thereby reduces farm costs (to zero), eliminating the need for irrigation (saving water), and allowing all livestock to roam free. It then frees up farmers to make more cardboard. Yay! And if that weren't enough, you will shed those extra pounds in no time. Dreams really do come true. With cardboard.

Flappy is the mascot of the cardboard council. He teaches children to eat more cardboard.

The Real Pandemic: Allergies

A new pandemic has begun. Move over swine flu. It's time for allergies to take their proper place. And who are the culprits? Every eco-crusader's favorite bio flavor: trees. And, not only that, but those pretty petaled things you give to people you either care for or want to be forgiven by: flowers.

Try not to be taken in by their disarming smiles and wiles:

This tree looks like it came out of Rocko's Modern Life.

These flowers are clearly possessed. But hey, better them than you.

Apparently this allergy pandemic is not new. I've been told by some that it happens every year about this time. Strange. And, it gives people sneezes, sniffles, rashes, itchy eyes, runny noses, and otherwise sucks the life from them. People affected by seasonal allergies often become zombies who can only function when taken massive amounts of Claritin, Sudafed, or Allegra (yes, the one that has the commercial with the windsurfer in a field of wheat). What is Allegra and these other symptom reducing drugs trying to say? That we can windsurf wheat fields (in a literal sense) by taking their drug, or, that we can fight the zombie makers (in a figurative sense)? But what is the cost? I will not answer that question.

Let's get to the real solution. The solution that the WHO (World Health Organization, not the band) should really be looking into. That is, we must kill all the trees and flowers. Short of that we will probably have to destroy the rainforest. It's the only way to be sure that millions don't die from this allergy pandemic. THE ONLY WAY. It's all for the greater good. Say it with me now: THE GREATER GOOD. If you can look at these pictures and not sneeze I'll be impressed:

What those allergy causing plants want you to think is that she is singing, or maybe praying. Well, praying might be more closer to the truth. Maybe she is praying for relief from the allergy pandemic. Where are you WHO? But no. You will not come, and she will sneeze her brains out and become a zombie. Another servant of the pollen producing lobby of trees and flowers.

Recycle, reuse...and eat napkins

There are many things we are doing these days as a society to reuse, recycle, and whatever that other 'r' is. And each day a new method comes out. Today is one of those days. I know some of you like skim milk because it has significantly reduced fat content. I know some of you only buy organic yogurts and vegetables. I know some of you only eat lentils. Well, on another eco trend, the new substitute for butter is....yellow paper.

Don't laugh. It's true. There is now a very affordable brand of paper with a distinctly yellow shade that fits ever so nicely on your bread rolls and baked potatoes. But, that's not all. In another effort to provide people with opportunities, another useful substitution for wonder bread is...napkins. Believe it or not, but they both have the same nutritional value. And, napkins can also be substituted for iceberg lettuce in salads. Isn't that great?! We have so much to look forward to! So many options. I can't wait to sit down at the table and put a couple slices of bread in my lap and eat my napkin sandwich.

New Eco Car

NEWS UPDATE!!!: A new car company that was possibly founded by either Koreans, the Japanese or aliens is making cars that drive themselves. They run on a combination of fast food grease, ethanol, lipo-juice, tobacco products, and rum. The interior is made of low cost bamboo mats and banana leaves serve as sun visors. The total weight of the cars is only 400 pounds. That means that after an accident, they are conveniently disposable. In fact, they are trying to make them available to purchase at Holiday Inns. They can seat 4 normal people, 8 children, or 12 ethiopians. The name of the car is the POS-Series 7. Many would call if the perfect POS ever made. If you are interested in purchasing one dial 1-800 326-2727. That is 1-800-ECOCRAP.