Facebook Friends: 1000 dollars to a lucky friend

As of this moment I have 996 facebook "friends". So, I have decided to create a new game to encourage more meaningless online social networking interaction with people I hardly know. If I get 1000 friends today (that means four more for you math majors), one lucky friend will get one thousand dollars and my personal recognition of their existence and my congratulations for being my online friend on their wall. Should be exciting. If you're not my friend yet, it seems it might finally become profitable. Good luck facebookers!

Man Successfully Nails Jello to Wall

Today history has been made. After years and years of trial and error, John Buckenstead of 305 Washington Street, Columbus, Ohio has successfully nailed jello to his wall. 

Ever since jello became a household name in 1897, people have used the colloquialism, "That's like nailing jello to a wall" to symbolize futility. Well, now it seems they're in need of a new one. John explained his tactics as "unconventional and sneaky," but was willing to share his secret method with this reporter:

"Well, for the longest time I just tried to use more jello-friendly nails. Ya know, ones with marshmallows or fruit on them...to entice the jello to stay put. Well, that didn't work. So I tried thick nails, long nails, short nails...and then it struck me. I just needed to be quicker than the jello. And, instead of just nailing right through it, I should make a wall of nails right below the jello. It took me a long time to learn how to hammer that many nails in so short a time. But I did it. I beat the jello."

Some of Mr. Buckenstead's competitors have called his tactics cheating, but he defended his claim:

"Look, some people think it's okay to freeze the jello, then drill through it and lightly hammer a nail through it on the wall. I didn't do that. That jello was jiggly, bouncy, and full of life. I stuck it to him."

(Frozen example=cheating)

Indeed Mr. Buckenstead. But this is not a victory for everyone. While some are calling it the "triumph of the decade" and a sure sign of the last days before the Second Coming, others are not so happy. Ruth Gipswitch, of Jackson, Mississippi was less than pleased. Not only had she been quite fond of the jello colloquialism, but the slogan of her bakery and dessert shop is "You won't find a better cake, unless you can nail jello to a wall." She had this to say:

"I thought I was safe. I mean, I tried a couple times just for fun to see if I could nail jello to the wall. Every time I failed. So I made that brash slogan. Now I regret it. I'm losing business."

Other people who have heard Mr. Buckenstead's story are at a loss. Some don't know what they'll use to replace their favorite turn of phrase. Some of the suggestions have made people cringe:

"It's like trying to herd cats" or "That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe" just don't seem to cut it.

Wishing you a happy bday from Facebook

By now you should be familiar with Facebook. It is the soul-swallowing leviathan of online social networking. And yes, it has swallowed my soul. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm not alone. This brings comfort and distress. But, there are good things that come from Facebook. 

One good thing is that for some people, the only benefit to being my Facebook friend is getting a happy birthday wall post once a year. That is a boon. Having actual meaningful more commonplace interaction would be stifling. The 'happy bday' wall post is my classic way of saying, "I can read the reminder list on the right side of my home page and type in all lowercase one and a half words and click my mouse once." But some people are more blessed than others in this bestowal of positive birthday wishes. For people I don't know all that well, or let's be honest, don't care too much about, I usually just write "happy bday," copy and paste it and post it on the next wall of a similar acquaintance. However, for those people who I actually know and love I might even write something like, "Happy birthday John," or "Hope you have a good one chief." As you can see, in both of these instances I actually capitalize some letters, and even write a complete sentence. The message is individualized with the name, or an endearing pseudonym like 'chief,' 'slugger,' 'tiger,' or 'kiddo.'

The yearly birthday wish may seem trivial to some of you, but I suggest that it is more than what I alluded to. Think of it as self-validation. Think of it as an honest expression from someone who actually exists and also recognizes that you exist, and, even have a birthday. Sure you put your birthday in your profile information so I don't have to really remember it, but I did take the time to write one and a half words on your wall. I didn't hire any robots or spiders or other spam systems to do it for me. My fingers actually pressed down on the keys. Really. You're welcome.

But of course that isn't to say that I only validate humans. How many of you are friends with dogs or other pets? Me too.

Good Vibrations

I'm picking up good vibrations. 

There is a weird vibration from time to time that surges through my house. It shakes the floor, the windows, and consequently me and the furniture. And, of course it can only be one thing:

Someone is tunneling under my house. And, that someone is probably a spy. Just like the British and Americans did in Berlin under the wall to listen to the Russians in East Germany, someone is listening to me. And, aside from being worried, I'm actually quite flattered. 

I think that I should pretend that I don't know the spy is there. What I will do is make delicious pastries, roast beef, throw parties, and tempt the spy to come out of hiding. I'll make references to free extra passes to Disney World, extra sky miles to that I can't use to go to Australia because I'm busy, and a new dodge viper I won that I'm going to give to a charity as a tax deduction. If the spy is sane, he or she won't be able to resist.