Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Real Pandemic: Allergies

A new pandemic has begun. Move over swine flu. It's time for allergies to take their proper place. And who are the culprits? Every eco-crusader's favorite bio flavor: trees. And, not only that, but those pretty petaled things you give to people you either care for or want to be forgiven by: flowers.

Try not to be taken in by their disarming smiles and wiles:
This tree looks like it came out of Rocko's Modern Life.

These flowers are clearly possessed. But hey, better them than you.

Apparently this allergy pandemic is not new. I've been told by some that it happens every year about this time. Strange. And, it gives people sneezes, sniffles, rashes, itchy eyes, runny noses, and otherwise sucks the life from them. People affected by seasonal allergies often become zombies who can only function when taken massive amounts of Claritin, Sudafed, or Allegra (yes, the one that has the commercial with the windsurfer in a field of wheat). What is Allegra and these other symptom reducing drugs trying to say? That we can windsurf wheat fields (in a literal sense) by taking their drug, or, that we can fight the zombie makers (in a figurative sense)? But what is the cost? I will not answer that question.
Let's get to the real solution. The solution that the WHO (World Health Organization, not the band) should really be looking into. That is, we must kill all the trees and flowers. Short of that we will probably have to destroy the rainforest. It's the only way to be sure that millions don't die from this allergy pandemic. THE ONLY WAY. It's all for the greater good. Say it with me now: THE GREATER GOOD. If you can look at these pictures and not sneeze I'll be impressed:
What those allergy causing plants want you to think is that she is singing, or maybe praying. Well, praying might be more closer to the truth. Maybe she is praying for relief from the allergy pandemic. Where are you WHO? But no. You will not come, and she will sneeze her brains out and become a zombie. Another servant of the pollen producing lobby of trees and flowers.

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