There is a weird vibration from time to time that surges through my house. It shakes the floor, the windows, and consequently me and the furniture. And, of course it can only be one thing:
Someone is tunneling under my house. And, that someone is probably a spy. Just like the British and Americans did in Berlin under the wall to listen to the Russians in East Germany, someone is listening to me. And, aside from being worried, I'm actually quite flattered.
I think that I should pretend that I don't know the spy is there. What I will do is make delicious pastries, roast beef, throw parties, and tempt the spy to come out of hiding. I'll make references to free extra passes to Disney World, extra sky miles to that I can't use to go to Australia because I'm busy, and a new dodge viper I won that I'm going to give to a charity as a tax deduction. If the spy is sane, he or she won't be able to resist.