Shirking the Blog

Quite often I find myself shirking my blog because I just don't feel like writing. However, that's not entirely true. Sure, sometimes I'd rather be wiling the afternoon away in a hammock with a good book, drinking pineapple juice and listening to the sound of a midsummer rainstorm, but most often I don't write because I just don't want to make the effort. Or I think I might somehow not write up to my readers' expectations. Hopefully, that is always the case. I hope most of my posts are anticlimactic, and a waste of your time. I mean, you don't pay me enough to get A+ effort all the time. What am I saying? You don't pay me.

I just want to put up a thought, blurb, photo, series of photos, a clip, a satirical story, or something entirely random that makes you chuckle, guffaw, shoot milk out your nose, fall out of your chair, get mad, or make you cry yourself to sleep.

Guffawing with milk is not recommended. Neither is chuckling while crying yourself to sleep (that's just messed up). But then again, who are my readers? Maybe I should just make the assumption that they are all just as weird, quirky, and strange as I have a tendency to be on this blog.

Here are some photos:

In the computer.

You know what happens next.

Morbid? Yes. Funny? Yes.

Horses know how to guffaw.

And Peter Griffin knows how to make the most of his milk nose laughter.

Greatest Invention Since the Watering Can!

Throughout the history of mankind there have been great inventions. Man is an innovative, enterprising, clever being. Yet, man has made many silly inventions. Chin rests so you can sleep standing up, glasses with funnels for putting in eye drops, fake breasts for men who also want to nurse their kids, chopsticks with a built in fan to cool your noodles all come to mind.

Great for those long metro rides.

Because I'm too stupid to put them in my eyes directly and I like to waste money on bad eyewear.

He's a natural.

Then the fan fell into her soup spewing the scalding noodles all over her face.

However, as it turns out, today man has made a real breakthrough. Miraclegro in conjunction with Scott's Lawn products and world renowned geneticists are heralding the latest and greatest invention in landscaping since the watering can. Yes, they have invented self-trimming hedges.

These hedges come in all shapes and sizes, and will trim themselves according to your command. They're great for any special event, or just for fun.

Some are concerned that it will take work away from professional landscapers, and will ruin an art form that so many people in Disney World and Country Clubs have cultivated for years. But most are excited. Like me. Trimming the hedges is not that fun. Now they can trim themselves. However, I worry that they might start trimming other things. Like my cat. Little Shop of Horrors comes to mind.

Was Thomas Jefferson a Citizen?

For a while (and even now) people were worried about Obama's citizenship and the situation of his birth. Some claimed he was born in Kenya, others that he was a citizen of Indonesia, some claimed he was a space alien, yada yada. Well there is a bigger story now looming on the horizon.

Archeologists recently discovered documents that indicate that Thomas Jefferson was born in Kenya. The piece of elephant hide inscribed with the date of his birth in hyena blood was found in the back of his wine cellar at his home in Monticello. This new discovery has shaken historians to the very core.

"It means the Declaration [of Independence] was written by a foreigner. He was a tribesman who apparently led a very nomadic life," said Rich Holman, Historian from the University of Virginia.

His colleague Frank Martin had this to say:

"It puts the whole story about him having affairs with his slaves on its head. Who knew he was one of them?" 

Apparently his Kenyan tribesmen knew. And, according to another document found near the record of his birth, he was married to his Kenyan wife before he married his American wife Martha Skelton. 

This new revelation about one of America's forefathers comes at an interesting time. It seems as if Obama would have nothing to fear if he let out that he was indeed born abroad.

Iron Man

The time has come to save the world. MJ tried and failed. Greenpeace tried and failed. The UN tried and failed. Who is left?

Iron Man.

He is our only hope, because, as we all know, Obe-wan-kenobi isn't real. However Robert Downey Jr. is clearly alive and well. Sure, a former drug addict might seem an unlikely savior, but he is still Iron Man. And that suit is awesome. And, what is it that makes Iron Man so awesome? His superior intellect. He is the best superhero because he can create just about anything, from anything, with his mind. I mean, who other than Iron Man could have built the suit he did while being held captive by terrorists? The answer is no one.

Iron Man 2 will be out in 2010. I'm stoked. The world will be saved. Soon.

Robot Policemen

Back in the day, people used to make fun of mall cops and security guards by calling them "rent-a-cops" (well, actually, people still do), but now there is something far worse. You know we have become lazy as a society when robots are giving you speeding tickets. That's right. You heard me. Robots. Robots with cameras are out in force in several cities across the US. I mean, the cops can't be bothered with actually pulling people over any more. No, they need more hours free to stop potential shoplifters at Seven Eleven.

(This one bears an uncanny resemblance to the one that took my picture)

Just recently one of these robots took my picture. I was following someone and they ran a light. I probably should have waited (and hoped that they wouldn't ditch me), but I kept on following. Well, the robots didn't like that. The regular police didn't see me run any light. Not one police officer came out with their flashy badge and stenopad to write me up. Nope. I just got a fine request sent in the mail a couple weeks later. LAZY. I bet it was a robot secretary that mailed the fine from the robot cameraman at the intersection. Next thing you know T-1000 is going to put his silver liquid metal spike hand through your face for not telling him what he wants.

The moral of this story is that robots are taking over and there's nothing you or I can do about it. We will probably all be annihilated and only John Connor will be able to save us. That is why I must now go back in time to save his mother and father him, changing my last name to Connor so the story fits.

Something Special for the Ladies

This is for all the ladies: 

Another rendition:

As you probably could have guessed, I am a fan of Flight of the Conchords (it took me 4 tries to type their name just now). However, my ability to type does not diminish my admiration for their cause. They just want do something special for all the ladies in the world. All it takes is a music video here, a blog post there, and we all can make a difference. I'm doing my part. And you can too. To help show your support for doing something special for all the ladies in the world post a comment below, or send a donation to:

435 Happy Lane

Kudzu, Wisconsin

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Best Advertising Campaign Ever?

This is quite possibly the greatest advertising campaign I have ever seen. Or, at the very least, one of the best to come along in a while. Dos Equis, the Mexican beer company, has this suave older man (the most interesting man in the world) always surrounded by attractive women, give tips on life, the universe, and everything. This is how you sell stuff:

The most interesting man in the world on pick up lines:

The most interesting man in the world on rollerblading:

The most interesting man in the world on the two-party system:

The most interesting man in the world on packages:

The most interesting man in the world on mixed nuts:

The most interesting man in the world on himself:

Some more background on the most interesting man in the world:

That was a lot of Mexican beer commercials. I'll have to post more later. Let me know what you thought. Maybe I'm alone in my appreciation for this commercial series. I hope not.

Funny Commercials and Terry Tate

And today, funny commercials: 

And more Terry Tate, office linebacker: 

Terry takes out a streaker:

Today's Topic: Enigma

What is enigmatic? What is infinite? What is real? What is surreal? I think Escher and Dali did a lot to help us (or confound us) with these questions, as did other artists. Whether it is art, or a secret algorithm machine controlled by the Nazis, every day there is something else that will confuse, surprise, astound, enlighten, or befuddle us. 

Yeah, he's pretty normal.

This is how Dali felt during the Spanish Civil War.

This woman looks like Shakespeare.

I worked on a mill just like this one time.

Apparently this is infinity. You can stop searching for it.

Convex or Concave?

This building would not pass any inspection

The original 'Enigma' machine.

Close up of the 'Enigma' machine.

Random panting having something to do with endless mirrors.

Sleep much?

Who are these people that take pictures of mirrors, part of their arm, and part of their waist?

The Internet is Sucking Out Our Brains.

(Yes, the brainsucking monster represents the internet)

Ok, I've milled this over a little bit.

Turns out, the Satire Report isn't generating the same kind of interest it used to. Some of this might be because I'm not longer in college or because most college kids aren't bored enough at school to read it (assuming they are my demographic), or because I just suck at writing. Perhaps I've lost my edge (assuming I ever had an edge). It might also be because I'm not as consistent as I once was (I'm willing to bet that's a large part of it). However, the truth is, most of the people who "visited" this site, just came for the pictures. People in the internet age don't have the attention spans to read whole articles (unless you have no life like me). In fact, most of my "readers" probably stopped reading this blog post after the first sentence (I know, unfair stereotyping, but c'mon, what did you expect?)

But there is a greater risk here. Sure, you might be disappointed if I stopped doing this blog (more likely you wouldn't care either way), but I think the person I would most disappoint would be myself. Why is that? Because I am unnecessarily addicted (connected, wired, glued, take your pick) to the internet. I spend WAY too much time reading articles, posting them on facebook, changing my twitter status, watching highlights and reading articles on ESPN.com, checking my mail, and basically living often times vicariously through online social networking mediums. What is happening? I'll tell you what is happening. The internet is sucking the life out of me. The online world is sapping my brain juice and feeding it to either the Matrix, the Deceptocons, or Bill Nye the Science Guy (possibly all of them).

(This woman is clearly being attacked by the internet)

But I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I were the only sufferer of this brain-sapping, life-altering plague. There are more of us online social networking, blogging, article-reading zombies! We think we shape the world around us with our tweets and article reviews, but in truth we're just doing it out of lack of creativity, invention, or willingness to do something else that is probably more worthwhile anyway (That's not to say I don't workout, go running, eat things, go to parties, hang out, read books, play sports, try to get gainful employment, etc). But I could definitely limit my internet usage. I could call an old buddy on the phone (maybe go through all my phone contacts and delete the ones that hate me, or that I will never call). I could read several books. I could get some friends together and do something crazy MORE often. I could learn a couple more Italian and Brazilian food recipes. I could go surfing more. I could work at a real job (pending me receiving an offer) more. I could bone up on my Spanish, make abstract sculptures out of scrap sheet metal, finger paint with my toes, butt and ears, or build a sailboat. All good options. Oh, and I used to write more poetry. I could get back to that.

BAM! Look at all the non-internet stuff that I can do! And you can do. As Captain Planet (the environmentalist brainwashing tool that tainted our youth) would say: "The power is YOURS!" Or as G.I. Joe would say: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle." Or as Larry the Cable Guy would say: "Get R Done!"

(Oh Captain Planet, you've destroyed the minds of so many little children. And to little guy that says, "heart" - you were unfairly ridiculed)