How Did Dinosaurs Go Extinct?

Everyone has a theory about the dinosaurs. And by that I mean everyone thinks something different about why they went extinct (Not to be confused with those who think the dinosaurs were alien God creatures that begat Xenu, or those who think fossils we strategically placed on earth by God to test us, or those who think they are dinosaurs). Some say it was a giant meteor, or comet that wiped them out.

Others think is was volcanoes.

Others think they annihilated each other with nuclear weapons in their own Jurassic World War III.

But to these simple-minded theories I say, "No." And, what's more, I said it in quotations.

The truth is, dinosaurs were wiped out by robots. Both in actuality, and proverbially. Back when they roamed the earth they had a terminator dinosaur scenario, just like the movie, except John Connor the dinosaur didn't make it. T-1000 the T-Rex, liquid-metal clawed his face off. So that is obviously disheartening, and to make things worse, the consequences are readily apparent today in museums, exhibits, and universal studios: animatronic dinosaurs/secret spies from the prehistoric past. Proverbially speaking, things aren't much better for dinosaurs. Back in my day, every little kid loved dinosaurs. Children everywhere had plastic dinosaurs, watched "Denver the Last Dinosaur," and thought they were T-Rexes. Some still do. But, unfortunately it seems the heyday of the dinosaur has been taken over by robots. And these robots are the following non-people: Miley Cyrus, Dora the Explorer, and Lady Gaga.

So, sad face for dinosaurs. But, on the bright side, at least we now know what happened to them.

Next week: How dinosaurs preceded the Romans in developing indoor plumbing

New Exhibit at the Smithsonian

I know, I know you've been anxious. Well, you're not the only one. For years many people have been bored out of their minds with the Smithsonian Museum. Too much wax, too many things to read, too many old bones. People asked for something real. Something now. Something that they could truly enjoy with the whole family. Well, our Commander-in-Chief obliged. 

The latest exhibit? President Obama's nose hair. 

The hair was carefully trimmed, culled, and individually selected to give people the highest quality museum experience. The White House barber, Sam Colenti, was quite pleased with the result and calls it his, "Obra Prima" or "Masterpiece".

"There can be little doubt. It is truly a great day for our museum. I was getting worried that we were going to be left out of this exciting new era of politics. Fortunately the President was very accommodating, giving us the best nose hair he had. He's such a giver. The exhibit is more than I ever could have hoped for," said Donald McDermott, the curator for the museum.

Guests also are pleased with the exhibit. Some coming from as far as the Philippines to see it. Maggie Glynden, of Monterrey, California, had this to say:

"After walking around looking at stupid rocks and stuff animals I was thinking it was going to be the worst day of my life....but then I saw this neon sign and heard a bunch of 'ooos' and 'ahs'. As I got closer the luster was brighter than the noon day sun. There they were. Tiny strands of mighty hair from the greatest nose to ever sniffle. It was breathtaking. Really."

"Some people may wonder how much such an exhibit costs, or even, what the point is. Well, it's simple. It cost $15 million dollars, and its purpose is to motivate people to get out and enjoy this country again. To enjoy its government again. To live again!" said Obama.

As he said this to me I looked around. I felt like I was at a rock concert. It was like Woodstock, but if the performers were all one guy who wore a suit and tie and stuttered contemplatively every now and then. I had to have some of that hair. It would be like finding an eternal rabbit's foot. The holy grail of luck charms. But as I attempted to get my own sample I was blocked by Secret Service Agents and sent home to blog about it. I haven't been this excited since they opened the exhibit for George Washington's false teeth.

The Art of Jaywalking

People and animals the world over have been doing it since the Romans first came up with decent roads. Yes, that's right: Jaywalking. Why, even dinosaurs did it while migrating across Pangea (especially the diplodocus, he had no respect). However, as risky as it can be, it doesn't seem to be going away. In fact, I'd say it's a rather celebrated past time. Perhaps not quite as celebrated as baseball in America, but more so than the birthday of a family's middle child. Some people are better than others, (as evidenced by the unfortunately high amount of pedestrian casualties), and some animals are better than people. Therefore, there is even another tier within the jaywalking clique that is even more exclusive. It is reserved entirely for giraffes.

Enjoy the art of jaywalking:

No officer, I do not drink and drive.

A free tattoo? Sweet.

Egret, please show some common decency. This is not a marsh. Cross the road in the designated area.

INSOLENT CAMEL! No jaywalking, or strutting, or whatever it is you do.

Why don't you write a song about it.

You just couldn't wait could you? Over eager maybe?

Giraffe, how dare you! I told you to go to the giraffe X-ing.

Oh, now I'm convinced.

Ok man, this time you've gone too far.

I hear this little jaywalking  incident didn't go over so well. You've gotta pick your moments.

Seriously giraffe?! You're out of control.

What?! Cross-dressing man nun jaywalker?

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 2

Hollywood has been warning us against this for years. From 2001: A Space Odyssey to Star Wars to the television series Futurama, sci-fi writers have always been fantasizing about the role of robots in the future. They’re sassy. They’re smart. They’re homicidal.

The Matrix
“Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment; but you humans do not. Instead you multiply, and multiply, until every resource is consumed. The only way for you to survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern... a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer on this planet, you are a plague, and we... are the cure.”

– Agent Smith

Al Gore agrees. He even looks like an agent. If we didn’t have as many people around, our carbon footprint wouldn’t look so much like a Sasquatch sighting. Then again, you know what they say about big feet…

Sure, using humans as generators doesn’t make sense if you know much of anything about thermodynamics and how the body works—but just try to explain that to your robot overlord!


The Lord of the Rings
Don’t tell me you missed the subtext! “Burn the forest,” says the villain. Start manufacturing weapons and armor and scorch the earth a black that can’t grow back. Obviously Saruman’s slave force and Sauron and the Ring of Power represent the Middle Earth equivalent of our big, bad industries and robots. Who are the heroes? The quaint short people with green thumbs. You don’t want to end up like Frodo almost did when he so poignantly said, “No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark.” Every time I kick a vending machine because it ate my dollar, I’m like Legolas shooting an orc in the face.


Jurassic Park
Probably one of my favorite movies of all time. The kind of flick that has you leaving the theatre pretending to be a velociraptor. But if you think about it, the message is clear: too much automation and t-rexes start eating people off of toilets. Maybe we should be careful about trying to genetically engineer and reconstruct pre-historic carnivores, but more importantly DO NOT PUT ONE ORNERY, EASILY-BRIBED COMPUTER SCIENTIST IN CHARGE OF ALL THE DINO CAGES! Chances are he’ll write up some computer code to do all the hard work and then get eaten by a dilophosaurus before telling anyone his password. Learn from history….er, Hollywood.