The Corn Dog Diet

Corn dogs: neither corn on the cob, nor a dog. Sure they contain corn, and hot dogs, but that just opens a whole new can of worms. Hot dogs aren't made from dogs either. In fact they're made from excess pig parts that no one else wanted. So why not call a hot dog a "hot cylinder of pig entrails," and call a corn dog a "cylinder of pig entrails wrapped in processed corn bread." Mmmm. Just makes the mouth water. But, even knowing all that, and renaming it, people would still buy them. Why? Because they taste good. Sure, they might give you a coronary, but what doesn't these days? I mean you can have heart problems from eating hamburgers and french fries for crying out loud. You can become sterile from staring at a microwave, or get brain cancer from using your cell phone too much. So, why not indulge in a corn dog? Might as well.

I know I won't turn one down when I'm offered one. 

But, speaking of corn dogs, I have a friend who loves them. He in fact lives off of them. I'm not kidding. He eats a steady diet of corn dogs and soda. And yet, he manages to remain quite trim and full of vim and vigor. Some of you may envy him, and rightly so. He is a man of men. God of corn dogs. A brilliant anomaly showing just how good processed food and American consumerism can be to one person. This is why I suggest the corn dog diet. I do not suggest it for Jewish people, unless they can find corn dogs that are made of lamb, but for all the other heathens I whole-heartedly endorse it. This is how the corn dog diet looks each day of the week:

Breakfast:

Microwave 2 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of root beer

Refill glass as needed

Lunch

Microwave 3 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer or coke from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass or root beer or coke

Refill glass as needed

Dinner

Microwave as many corn dogs as you want

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of Dr. Pepper

Refill glass as needed

Repeat Daily.

I hope I have not sent too many of you to your unwitting and unfortunate demise. Good luck.