Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Government Bails Me Out

Well, I'm sure you're all well aware that the government bailed out AIG with 85 billion dollars of worthless paper, then came back and made it $150 billion. Then, congress passed the $700 billion dollar TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) initiative to bail out almost any bank and lender with a good enough reason to stick its hand into Uncle Sam's pocket. Well, the government has just bailed out Citigroup with another $300 billion, and Obama has said he will pump in another $300 billion in another recovery plan when he takes office. That brings the tally (not including the other money appropriated directly by the treasury that didn't get as much press) to $1,450 billion. That's almost 1.5 trillion dollars. And, most people are saying that no end is in sight. When all is said and done the government of the US may have pumped in over 5 trillion dollars. 

But here's the kicker. The government has now decided to bail me out. I will get $70 billion. They say it's the largest bailout of a private citizen in our nation's history. 

The reason I deserve it is because if I don't get this bailout I will not be able to remain solvent. I personally backed over 40,000 mortgages in the US with my steely grin and chutzpah. But, in these uncertain times that's apparently just not good enough. Some who own my mortgages were going to default (Edna and George, Jay and Carla, Betty and Fred I'm referring to you in particular you pansies). 

In exchange for the money I've given the government a 30% stake in me. Good news? I still own myself. Mostly.

And you thought your money was worthless before this economic downturn. Ha. Quickly, start buying up gold coins! Or go on a quest like Super Mario, Sonic, or play Zelda.

3 comments:

Scott Earl said...

I think the world would be a much happier place if we all played more Zelda.

Ben Cronin said...

I only got $40 billion. I think I might bring a suit.

Michael Powers said...

Those misers! That's terrible.