Provo I bid thee farewell!

Provo I bid you farewell. Just like the Russians bid farewell to Rasputin. I bid you farewell like miners bid farewell to a decrepit mineshaft. I bid you farewell like a viking funeral. 

But, at the same time, I bid you goodbye like Murray does to the tech support lady on Flight of the Conchords season one: Leggy Blonde. And, in place of you I will party. Perhaps even becoming the Prince of Parties, as can be seen in the acid-tripping episode of Flight of the Conchords.

There will be much food and merriment. Turkeys will abound. White meat, dark meat, and gravy. Grrrraaaaaavvvvvvyy. There will be sumptuous pies, soups, breads, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Lounging around will become my new and most favorite Olympic sport in which all I can win is the gold. Why? Why must I be so good at it? Golden turkey....Mmmmm.

But, sacrifices must be made. To get out of this place I have to take a plane. That flight leaves at 6am. So, I have to leave the house tomorrow at 4:30am. Seeing as I hit the snooze at least three times every morning when it goes off at 7:30am, it should be interesting. Worst case scenario: If I miss it I will have to eat turkey at some place other than my grandparent's house in California. Probably not the worst thing. The REAL worst case scenario: Sigourney Weaver wakes me up from my bed and tells me I have an alien inside of me. Only seconds later it pops out of my chest and eats all the turkey (One more reason to be anti-alien).

Goodbye Provo! I only wish it were a longer goodbye.

What happened to Thanksgiving?

There are a lot of things to like about Utah. Let me start with that. There are mountains, valleys, canyons and plenty of crazy people full of beans. However, there is something recently that has me a bit disappointed.

Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and every local shop, town, and even houses are lit up and decorated like it's Christmas Eve. This used to be taboo, bad luck, a cardinal sin. Now, just like the ever expanding election season, Christmas is encroaching. Big time.

Walmart has had trees and lights up for more than 2 weeks. My room mate went to her friend's Grandma's house to put up Christmas lights this past weekend. And down on main street in Provo tinsel and ornaments adorn the street lamps. 

Not one turkey. Not one random colored gourd. No pumpkin pie. No pilgrims. No indians. No cranberry sauce. WTF?!?!?! I know Utah is far away from the original Plymouth colony with the Pilgrims and the Thanksgiving Feast, but I'm pretty sure its a NATIONAL holiday. At least give it a DAY of your precious time. Put up some fall colors, dress like a pilgrim or an indian, eat turkey, watch football, be with family. BUT don't, I repeat DO NOT put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. That is sacrilege. 

Unfortunately I do not think this trend is relegated to Utah. Across this beautiful bounteous land that we can be thankful for, everyone is giving Thanksgiving the shaft. The retailers think they're being clever. They hope to cash in early on what promises to be a pretty dismal Christmas season. Maybe their mentality is, "Well if no one's going to buy anything because of the bad economy, I better extend the time for them to think about Christmas in hopes that the dupe themselves into thinking they actually have money." It's wrong. 

First off, Christmas* did not used to be a holiday where all we thought about was buying useless crap to give to people. It used to be a holiday of cheer, love, pine trees, Jesus, and mistletoe. Now it's a materialistic, superficial sack. And that sack is taking over a much less tainted holiday: Thanksgiving. We don't get or give presents on Thanksgiving. We spend time together as families and friends, remembering all the wonderful things, people, and the life we have been blessed with. We gorge ourselves in sumptuous 15 part meals and lounge around, or play sports, nap or talk. It's a wonderful holiday to remember what really matters in life.

Viva Thanksgiving! Turkey Empowerment! Eat more pie! Sleep for an entire day! Make love not Christmas!

*PS - I still love Christmas, in its own time, done the right way.

Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.