Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Pedestrians Get the Shaft

Some of you may think you remember a time when people could walk around on sidewalks, go shopping, jogging, etc. without fear of reprisal. Well, that was a dream. Pedestrians are an endangered species. 
Case in point: "There I was, walking along taking in the scenery on a beautiful spring day when all of a sudden I hear 'On your left' and then blacked out. I woke up in a puddle of my own blood on the sidewalk. Gawkers and rubberneckers abounded. Turns out it wasn't blood. It was my slurpee. Even worse. Why did I black out? It was a cyclist."

This story comes from Ben Frinetti of Georgetown, DC. As you can see, pedestrians' turf is being encroached upon. And, even worse, their slurpees are under attack. This is inexcusable. Why in the world does a cyclist need to use the sidewalk? Last time I checked it wasn't even legal, but only tacitly allowed. Remember all those 'Share the road' bumper stickers cyclists used to have on their cars? Yes. That is correct. Cyclists use the same road as cars. That means the pedestrians get the sidewalk. Novel concept I know. Maybe it's only going to happen in a dream world. Or....

I could start the Pedestrian Patrol of America or PPA for short. I could hand out tickets to cyclists using sidewalks. Not only would I make a couple extra bucks, but maybe, just maybe I could make a difference. I could start up the PPA academy, get federal funding from the Obama Administration, and maybe even inspire a series of comedy films. Maybe Kevin James would be interested in playing a role. Everyone in the PPA would be guaranteed a segway equipped with two huge canisters of NOS. We're talking pimped out segways with flames on the sides, super shocks and armed with tasers, pepper spray and rubber riot bullets.
Perfect. Let me know if you're interested.

Wait a second. Maybe this issue is deeper than I thought:

That was me before the PPA let me live again (above)

Robin fell and the man on the ledge died because the PPA was not in his city:


Scotty said...

The reason they're called sideWALKS are because people should be walking on them - not biking (sideBIKES are those motorcycle-plus-one things the Nazis).

Although I know very few people who actually slurp their Slurpees, so they may actually be the hypocrites.

Michael Powers said...

But those few are the ones that I want to kill. Especially if they do it right next to me while I'm trying to do something.